Three

Lately I've been thinking about the number three.  There are a lot of three's staring me in the face these days. 

I'm 33 years old.  I'm okay with that for the most part.  Sometimes I think I could be doing more or should have done more with my life.  But I also know I'm in a good place mentally, physically and probably even professionally too.   Age is just a number and the older I become, I find myself more comfortable with me and who I am. 

I am about to enter my third trimester of pregnancy.  Only three months to go.  I can tell I'm nearing the finish line too.  The comments are being thrown at me left and right making it impossible to forget.  I no longer get politely asked if I'm pregnant, people just know.  It's obvious.  This morning my daughter's preschool teacher asked how I was feeling.  Then right after that the school secretary said, "I can tell you're growing (points to my belly). When are you due?"  I just smile and respond.  It doesn't bother me as much as it did with my first pregnancy.  I'm mostly happy to just be pregnant and to be crossing into that last point. 

That brings me to my third thought about the number three.  I'm currently a family of three - my husband Kirk, my four year old daughter Vivian and me.  (Sorry but I don't count my dog or the fish we house either).  We're so used to being the three of us, of going out to restaurants and saying "Table for three."  I'm wondering how that will all change when we become a family of four, sometime around April 27 (my due date).  I know our lives will be very hectic just after number four arrives. 

So lately I have really been trying to soak up my current little family and to spend as much free time as I can stand enjoying with my one daughter.  Vivian and I have been playing lots of board games.  I've been painting her finger nails.  We kick the soccer ball around the yard and have a picnic in her tree house (even though I can barely get my pregnant self up the stairs to stoop under her kid-size play set).  I've been reading to her and reminding her of how much I love her.  Every day she asks me if my back hurts.  (Ha ha!)  She's gotten used to me not getting on the floor with her but rather sitting on the sofa, the rocking chair or on her bed to read books or arrange stickers.   She's been such a great kid these days, not that she wasn't before....  But she's been extra affectionate, understanding and funny.  I'm a little scared at how she might change and be affected by her baby sister.



In my heart though, I know she'll be okay after some adjustment time.  I am partly doing this for her anyway.  I wanted to have another child because I love her to pieces and I thought, how great would it be for her to be a big sister.  Then when I found out I was having another girl, I was even more thrilled.  Deep down, I wanted another girl.  I want Vivian to experience what I didn't have and always wanted - having a sister, a best friend (hopefully) for life.  I know not all sisters are close but I think they have a better chance at being close friends if they are of the same gender.  I can't wait to nurture that relationship and watch my girls play together.

As "three" weighs on my mind, so do a lot of other numbers and tasks that haunt me.  I try to remember to take deep breaths.  I've been escaping into a book when I have a few minutes of spare time or I can't sleep at night.  I try to do ten minutes of my prenatal Pilates exercise several times per week.    I do what I can. 

Changes they are a comin' and soon I'll be happy if I can just have three minutes of silence or three hours of uninterrupted sleep.  Ahhh, let the fun (insanity) begin!

New Years Resolutions for 2012

Some people think New Years Resolutions are a silly notion.  In the past, I'll admit, I have often found them amusing or unattainable.  But despite a person's ability to keep them or not, there is certainly nothing wrong with having goals, especially ones that may enhance your well being.  

I took a week and a half break from my normal routine over Christmas and New Years.  I had the opportunity to visit with relatives and some friends that I haven't seen in awhile.  Those visits or non-visits that didn't occur were a real eye opener for me.  I also went off the grid (or offline) from the usual internet distractions that sometimes plague my daily day.  It was refreshing and I realized how much I didn't miss those things.  During a long car ride and during sleepless nights I had over a period of nine days, That gave me the chance to do some real reflection about my own life and what I want from it. From that, I came up with these ten simple, and I believe doable resolutions for me in 2012:

1.      1. Reorganize and re-purpose things in my life.

2.      2. Spend more quality time with my immediate family – husband and daughters.

3.      3. Work harder and smarter at my job.

4.      4. Eat more fruits and veggies.  Don’t stop eating chocolate or having coffee. Don't follow any diets because I don't believe in that crap.

5.      5. Spend less time online on sites like Facebook, Pinterest, online groups and other sites that have brought me only distractions, not real meaning or happiness.

6.      6. Spend ten minutes a day exercising or meditating and reflecting.

7.      7. Find time to read for pleasure and for purpose each week.  Read to my girls more.

8.      8. Write down stories and memories for my daughters.

9.      9. Say I love you and offer hugs to those folks who really matter to me.

1     10. Enjoy the daily things and my life now (especially since I don’t really believe in an ‘afterlife’).


I look forward to making these goals a reality and to simplifying my life with greater meaning in the coming year.  My best to you in having a great year as well. 

 

How Do You NOT Compare?

On a recent trip to visit relatives over Thanksgiving break, I was reminded how much parents (and grandparents) compare their children (and grandchildren).  People measure the worth, talent, intelligence, appearance and more of individuals, even when those individuals are only four years old like my daughter.

Here are a few of the comments that were made about my kid comparing her to other children:

- "Look at her, my God she's beautiful."
- "Her teeth are so much prettier than his.  He just had cavities at the dentist."  (I then admitted how I have not taken my child to see a dentist yet).
- "She never stops talking.  She uses so many words and phrases.  She's so smart as compared to ____". 
- "She is obedient and really listens.  She just did what you asked her to whereas ____ didn't listen." 


You would think that the above statements would make me feel good as a parent, that I'd be proud to be the mother of this good-looking, perfect teeth, intelligent, well-behaved child.  But I wasn't.  Instead I thought, sure she is all those things but why compare her to ????   Why is there a measurement stick that she or this other person needs to reach? 

It bothered me instead of delighted me, as crazy as that may seem.

But it wasn't just my child that was being compared.  No, no, no.  I saw other family members comparing their children - one was bad, the other good, even though the two were sitting right there in a random cafe being ridiculed or praised by their mother. 

I heard stories about two siblings, how one took the better, high road and how the other one will never reach true potential. 

My head was stuffed with so many insights and opinions about comparisons that I began to literally feel sick.  I wanted to stick out my tongue, place both fingers in my ears and just run away to a quiet place. 

I'm heartbroken and disappointed.  But most of all I'm worried that I'm going to do the same thing with my two children.  Here I am with a four year old daughter and I'm also five months pregnant with a second girl on the way (YES, ITS A GIRL!  And I couldn't be happier to have another female to bring up in this world!)  BUT....How can I prevent myself from measuring my two girls against each other? 

How do you NOT compare your children?  Chances are, they will be nothing alike.  Chances are, they'll look different.  They may sound different.  They will have different likes and dislikes.  One will be shorter, rounder than the other.  One will love science experiments and one will love reading fiction.  One female will be boy-crazy at an early age and the other will be a late bloomer.  How can I treat them each as unique people without them (and me) feeling like they need to be equals on every trait, skill and goal in life? 

I think about this.  It worries me when I still have one in the womb. 

Furthermore, how do you NOT compare your siblings against yourself?  How do you NOT compare your parenting skills against another person?

I am concerned because I'm guilty of this nasty habit too.  I hear myself comparing me to my sibling, to my friends, to co-workers, to other mothers, wives, etc.  And when I do, there is almost always disappointment.  Even if I feel a slight achievement above another person for a few minutes, hours or even days if I'm lucky, I later feel remorse for having those thoughts.  So thus, disappointment and disillusion are inevitable.

Maybe there isn't an answer.  Not unless you live up in a tree in India or on on a remote island.  But even Tom Hanks' character felt guilt and remorse over his volleyball Wilson in the film Castaway.  We can't escape it completely, I suppose.

I just hope that I learn to see the good values in both of my children without needing/wanting them to be too much like the other.  I hope that as I become older, I realize the dangers of unnecessary comparisons like the above statements said by family members.  I hope that I will remember that in the end - how you looked, talked, the job you did and how well-behaved you were doesn't really matter all that much.  Instead, I think it's more about the life you led, the people you touched and the path you chose. 

I hope I'll read these words I just wrote every so often to stifle myself when I begin to compare one person to another.  

Progress Report

My daughter attends a day care/ preschool every weekday.  Each evening when my husband or I pick her up, we receive a daily progress report on how Vivian acted that day and what she learned in class.  She's always gotten a green light (good) report.  Yet every now and then, there is a comment on there about my daughter's personality or behavior that leaves something to laugh about or something to be desired.

This is one we received on Friday, November 18: 

If you have trouble reading the above image, here is what it says.  "A good day but Vivian needs to work on not telling the other students what to do.  That's for the teachers to do."

Well like any normal person or mom, I immediately busted out laughing when I read those lines.  I thought that was so funny that they wrote that on the progress sheet.   I wondered how much it annoyed the teacher and how much it annoyed the kids. 

I can so picture my bossy daughter doing this.  In fact, I have witnessed it numerous times.  However, the thing about Vivian is that in her four-year old mind, she really believes she is "helping" by doing that.  For example, when she hears her friends being corrected by their parents, she repeats the rules word for word and tells her friends so.  Most of the time, I say to her, "Let the parents tell their children what to do."  Other times, I just giggle over it.  

My daughter can be a diva but so far, she's not a mean and spiteful kid.  I watch her with other children.  She's kind and helpful and will even share most of the time.  She's come a long way since the terrible two's.  However, she is Type A personality and she's got her OCD quirks too.  She has a natural tendency to boss and lead, I think.  And who I am to inhibit that?  Deep down, I find it an admirable trait of Vivian.  I can picture her being a CEO, Manager or President of a company someday in the future.  She was born to tell others what to do.  In fact, I know she'll love her baby brother or sister (coming in April 2012) because she can boss that sibling around for at least the first several years, LOL! 

Two years ago, a note like that might have bothered me.  Even a year ago, I might have worried over what kind of child I have.  But this year and even today, I know better!  So I have a few progress reports of my own that I will write below:


Here's my progress report for my daughter Vivian - You're a funny girl and I love who you are!  Don't change!


Here's my progress report for her teacher - Lighten up!  Smile. My kid is just trying to help.

Here's my progress report for myself and for other moms out there - Trust your instincts.  Know your kid.  And learn to laugh at the things that are silly when it comes to your child's education and when to take it seriously. 

Have a great progress report day everyone!  And a Happy Thanksgiving too! 

Feel Better, Write A Letter

It's no secret on here that I enjoy writing letters.  In the past, I've pretended to be my toddler and wrote from what I imagined to be her point of view.  I've written complaint letters to different household appliances of mine.  I've written love letters to my shower head, ceiling fan and kitchen counter tops. 

That got me thinking lately..... maybe I should write a book that contains nothing but random letters.  I might call it, "Feel Better, Write A Letter."  It would contain funny, short letters about the daily things I encounter like how I was recently annoyed at someone talking on the phone in the bathroom stall next to me while I peed.  I wanted to say, "Hey, I hope you're enjoying my stream of urination!"  You know, stuff like that.  But then I'd probably also include a few sweet, loving letters to my family and friends and nature perhaps as well. 

It could be a short, semi-thick book, the kind you see next to Hallmark cards in the drugstore.  Yeah, I can picture it.  A book you bring with you in the bathroom or read in the doctor's office. 

Now that I'm sharing this idea, someone will probably put it together and some celebrity will coin it as her own.  Deep thoughts from my Prison Cell by Lindsay Lohan.  Or Dancing my way to Laughter by Rikki Lake. 

So we'll see if I really pull this together or not.  But in the mean time, here are a few samples I have written:

Dear Cell Phone Talker in the Ladies' Restroom,
I realize that it's not convenient to quit your conversation when you enter a restroom.  I realize that you have no disregard for others hearing your words that should not be uttered in a public place.  You must have a very understanding friend on that other line who doesn't mind you passing gas.  I hope the recipient of your call enjoyed hearing my long stream of urination.  I had saved that up awhile - a bottle of water and a cup of coffee.  I have to wonder if anything is private or sacred to you.  Perhaps you'll share your future constipation episodes on You Tube or Facebook.  I wonder if you'll bother to put your caller on hold while you change for a menstrual cycle.  Whatever the case may be, I'm sure glad I was able to join in on your fun.

Dear Maternity Pants,
It has been awhile since our departure, over four years in fact.  I hope that you will lift me up once again and carry me through the next several months of this pregnancy.  Please give me the strength I need to keep my mouth shut and not slap a stranger when he/she asks if I’m having twins or more (just as they did last time).  Thank you for your support, literally. And let the fun begin!

Dear Dirty Sink,
Yes I know you won't clean yourself!  But how is it that you get so bloated so quickly?  Why do you always have to have a party and invite lots of friends to join you in the dirty swimming pool?  You can be such a whore sometimes.  And why are you often the most disgusting place in my house?  Hey don't look at me like that!  I'll pour some soap right down your throat!  In fact, I'll get the bleach out!  Oh, you'd like that wouldn't you?  To you, it is receiving a full body massage with a hot sponge while I scrub away the scum that you were with last night!  Fine, let's make a deal.  Let's clean up today.  Then you have your filthy mouth again tomorrow.


Dear Growing Pregnancy Boobs,
I know people are attracted to you.  My husband can't stop staring at you.  But must you act like a magnet for everything I eat and everything I drink, too?  What others don't know is that you're exhausting me.  You're dead weight.  You are sore without even doing any kind of exercise!   You don't fit right into any shirt I wear.  You're dragging and slowing me down there girls!  Shape up, will ya?  We've still got a long way to go and I'd hate to see you get left behind.


Anyway, the above is just a few snippets of my writing.  That is how I envision a book like this to unfold.  I always feel a little bit better after I write a letter, whether it's sweet, mean or sarcastic.  I usually just do it for me and to get my feelings out in the open. 

What do you think?  Would you be interested in a book like this?  Or shall I throw it in my dirty sink?

Filling in the Gaps

I can hardly believe it's been eight months since I've been on this blog.  For awhile, I thought I might never come back.  Yet like all things in life, we go back to what we care about and those tools that help shape us.  And this blog does (sometimes) give me a sense of purpose and serves as a written diary in my often-forgotten memory these days. 

Still I have no regrets over my absence.  I needed the time away.  Time to reflect.  Time to prioritize.  There were some emotions I had to deal with privately instead of publicly.  I needed to stop reading other people's lives and focus more on my own.  That is the downfall of today's technology -- too many distractions and a lot out there to scare you or make you feel bad.  However, now I'm in a place where I feel happier, more relaxed and ready to share again.

I guess I'll just start by filling in the gaps for the past several months....

March - This was the month when I began a bit of a downward spiral and when I stopped blogging.   I found out I was pregnant only to have an early miscarriage just two days later.   I can talk about it now without any problems.  It's good therapy.  But at the time, I was very, very upset about it.  You see, my husband Kirk and I had been trying for nearly eight months and I was becoming frustrated over it.  Then when I finally saw that plus sign (pink line), I was overjoyed.  Then I was quickly robbed of that happiness.  Meanwhile everyone around me was getting pregnant or having babies and I just couldn't be happy for them, not any of them as selfish as that sounds.  It was a tough time for me.  But like I said, I can talk about it now.  Miscarriages happen all the time to women and they don't always know why.  Many ladies don't even know they had one if they're not keeping track of their cycles.  I know what I went through is no big deal compared to the losses of so many others.  Yet for me at the time, it was enough to send me into hiding for a few weeks and cry for several days straight.  This was also the time when I began growing tired of my stay-at-home motherhood days.  I found that both my daughter Vivian and me were getting bored of our routine.  Nothing seemed to be going right. 

April - This month things began to perk up.  I had the chance to follow my husband to San Diego, California for a work trip.  I tagged along and took a mini-vacation and left Vivian behind with her grandparents for the first time more than one night.  I was so happy to have the time away.  Best of all, I had the opportunity to spend two days with an amazing friend of mine named Carrie.  She has become a special person in my life and one who helped me through the first rough year of motherhood.  I was so happy to meet her along with her husband and two beautiful kids.  I took the train two hours each way for two days to see her.  And the train ride was so peaceful and interesting.  I either read my captivating book or stared at the window at the hills and sights.  It was just what I needed. 



In April I also received a phone call out of the blue about not one, but two job opportunities at the local university in Pensacola, FL where I lived.  I interviewed for both positions and accepted the job that seemed like the best fit for me.  I made arrangements to begin working in May. 

May - I started my job at UWF and the transition was a lot easier than I thought it would be.  Vivian started a day care (preschool).  She did great except for refusing to potty at school for the first month.  She had a few accidents even though she had been potty-trained for over a year.  But eventually she came around and everything seemed to be working out.  I quickly became acclimated to the workplace again and realized how much I enjoyed the educational environment.  The people at my work are super nice and my bosses are great too.  Finally I feel like I may have found the place that I was meant to be working.  I even begin looking into Master's Degree programs too.  I had fun shopping for new work clothes, like this pretty dress that I proudly try on:



June - For this month it was more like the month of May except it became easier.  I had gotten used to packing lunches for Vivian, Kirk and myself.  The routine of waking up at the same time each day became the norm.  Vivian seemed happy at her new place and was making friends in her class.  I began to gain confidence once again in my work skills, especially considering I had not been in the workforce for a year and a half!   I felt valued and important.  We were bringing in extra money in our bank account.  Things were going well.  The only picture that I have to share for this month includes one of Vivian and Kirk on Father's Day.  Aren't they both just a pair of cuties?  :)



July - Hmm, July seems like a blur to me now.  I remember we took a trip to New Orleans to visit family members.  I recall thinking and saying that it had been the easiest road trip we had ever taken since we only stopped once and never worried about Vivian having to potty or getting fussy like she did when she was younger.  It is always great to see family and spend time with relatives we only see a few times per year.  We fine dined at Ruth's Chris steakhouse with my in-laws.  We enjoyed seafood at my sister-in-law's house.  We did a lot of laughing and carrying on and eating too much.  That's what N'awlin's is all about though!  :-)

August - This was a busy month full of celebrations!   First my long time friend that has known me my entire life came to visit me in Pensacola.  My pal Jynell has a son named Jayden that is the same age as Vivian.  We had a great time entertaining them, taking them to the beach, the naval aviation museum and more!  I was so happy she came to see us!



After that was my birthday, the big 33 and I had this wild idea of making three cakes for myself within one week!  You can read about the cakes I made on my other blog and see how one of them was a messy disaster that luckily turned out tasting great.  In fact, I made an awesome nutella cake that was my absolute favorite!

After that, Kirk and I celebrated nine years of marriage.  Then soon after that, my parents visited during their 40th wedding anniversary in August too.   Lots of love was in the air that month!  :-)

September - This month brought about a surprise, one that was unexpected and that I feared would not come again.  I discovered I was pregnant. After one year and three months of trying to conceive,  I saw the pink line and the plus sign.  Only this time it didn't disappear after a few days as it had in March.  It stuck around.  Soon I began feeling nauseous for half the day for two weeks straight.  I tried not to complain though.  I was happy over the news but trying not to get too excited for fear of losing another one.  Instead I focused on our a visit from my in-laws and on making Kirk's birthday special.  I hired my friend to make him a birthday cake in the shape of an ice chest full of his favorite beer.  He absolutely loved it! 



October -  I had my first visit with my OBGYN and had my first ultrasound done on October 3.  I was ten weeks pregnant and past the dangerous part of my pregnancy.  I began to relax and enjoy my news.  I also began telling people - my bosses, co-workers, friends and then everyone I know on Facebook.  I had some hilarious conversations with Vivian about her becoming a big sister and me having a baby in my belly.  I wrote some of those discussions down and will have to share them soon.  The pregnancy sickness was fading and things seemed to be looking up for me.  I learned that a possible new opportunity at my work may be coming open soon that I would qualify for and it would be more money and more freedom than what I'm currently doing.   We celebrated Vivian's fourth birthday party.  I can hardly believe my baby girl is now a girl and not a toddler anymore.  She's so gorgeous and so grown up these days.  You can carry on endless conversations with her!  



November - Now here we are in November and my life is reaching new heights!  I'm now four months pregnant and my belly is expanding.  I don't seem to mind though.  In fact, I find myself driving through fast-food joints for breakfast a few times per week without any guilt.   I find myself daydreaming about how our lives are going to change after next April (my due date is April 27).  I know it won't be easy and our family dynamic will be altered but I think I'm ready for yet another change in my life.  I'm ready to see this baby through the eyes of my daughter and with a new maturity that I didn't have nearly five years ago when motherhood began for me. 

When I started life at 30, I wondered how I'd ever find my way and if I'd ever find the answers to my questions.  Now I'm starting to see that life after 30 is really quite amazing.  And I don't care if I ever find the answers, just as long as I have this journey and these incredible people around me (like pictured below) to share it with. 

Love and hugs,

Blogging, Binges and Books

Lately I've been so absent from blogging.  Sometimes I even forget that I have this blog anymore.  That's so crazy?  I'm not sure if that's good or bad.  It is what it is though.  Life is keeping me busy and I haven't felt like writing much these days. 

Well, actually, I do still write.  Lately it just comes in the form of lists, random quotes, song lyrics or something funny my daughter said to me during the day.  I had an idea for a play to write.  Then I changed my mind about that and scratched the idea.  I have an idea to write a few short stories but I haven't started those yet.  I may or may not write a sequel cookbook.  I don't know.  I can't make up my mind yet.  And for the first time in a long time, that doesn't bother me one bit. 

Looking back at my blog two years ago, I was writing nearly every day.  I put pressure on myself to keep doing it.  Some posts were hilarious and witty.  Some were just plain crap.   I feel like several of my recent (but scarce) posts have been crap too.  But that's okay.  I liked the first Twilight book but can NOT, I mean I can NOT get through the second book New Moon.  Maybe we're only good with the original version and a 2.0 or a sequel of myself just cannot be written.  After two years, I am just not that interesting anymore, LOL!

Seriously though, I just seem to be focused on other things.  In fact I wonder if blogging is losing its luster for me.  I hardly keep up with my blogging friends anymore either (you!).  I feel bad about that.  I do care about them (about you) and I do find their stories (your stories) so interesting but again.... things change.  I am changing. 

I'll always be glad I started this blog.  My friend Jen told me recently I should defnitely NOT delete it or get rid of it completely.  And I won't.  But for now I view it as a long-distance friend....one that I will call upon (write on) every so often when I want to hear its voice (share my voice).  I can't get motivated beyond that at the present time.

The reason that blogging is becoming uninteresting to me is because I'm a binge person.  There, I said it.  The first step is admitting you have a problem, right?  I can be a binger. 

Let me clarify.  I don't binge eat (except the occasional chocolate festival during menstrual cycles or tough times).  I don't binge drink (except for rare weddings, family gatherings or Mardi Gras parades).  But I binge in other ways. 

I binge in my activities and life routines.  I get really into a project, goal, music, book, or whatever the case may be and then I get bored.   My husband points this out to me all the time.  In fact he marvels at the fact that I'm happily married and committed to him and our relationship when I so often move from one thing to another in every other aspect of my life.   Strangely enough, my relationships with people never get old to me.  Not those that I love and care about!  The rest though comes and goes.... 

For example, I've been having the same John Mayer music CD in my car since the holidays.  It's all I want to listen to lately, his Continuum album.  I spent most of last year running and doing the 30-day shred.  Now I am bored with those workouts and want to take up yoga.  I've been volunteering a lot with a mom's group but I'm looking forward to relinquishing those duties soon.   I go through periods of not doing anything to deepen and enhance my spirituality.  Then I get pulled deep into it and can think of hardly anything else.  I will let my house become filthy and then try to clean it all up in one day and obsess over the sudden thought of clean toilets and spotless floors.

Binge.  Binge.  Binge. Why am I like this?

My newest binge or obsession this week is Books, but in paticular a book site called "Good Reads."  A friend told me about it months ago and has been suggesting I try it.  Finally I did after I read a memoir that I really enjoyed this week. 

I maneuvered my way around this "Good Reads" site and somehow managed to upload 20 books I've read or want to read, complete with reviews in less than two hours.  I even thought back to a few stories that I read over 5 years ago but still remembered vividly.   Then suddenly the site was linking me with other people I know or sort of know.  Interesting and thrilling. 

Maybe this is the new "blog" for me - just checking out what others are reading and their reviews and ratings of books??  Who knows!?

But that's what is happening with me as of lately.  I'm around and doing well.  I'm reading more, writing less but enjoying life when I can.   If something exciting and worth sharing comes up, I'll be sure and post it here. 

Until then, I hope you're doing well.  I'll close with a few great quotes I wrote down from that recent book I've read, Devotion by Dani Shapiro. 

--"I'm cultivating myself, fostering personal growth."

 --"Those who seek the purest spiritual knowledge do so alone." 

--"The whole world is a lesson and the lesson keeps changing." 

--"Begin again."   

--"Please allow my heart to be open to all that is."

--"May I be safe,   May I be happy,    May I be strong,  May I live with ease." 

To you - my friends and few readers - if you see this post, please know that I wish you the same.  I wish that you be safe, be happy, be strong and live with ease!  Lots of love to you! 

New Memories, Fears, Additions and Random Thoughts

Wow, it's the last day of February.  Where did the month go?  Time is just flying by these days.  I haven't taken the time to write about life or stop for much these days, except to sleep at night.  I'm not complaining though.  Sometimes that is just the way of the world. 

But I wanted to reflect on the things we've done and gotten to see in the past few weeks.  So here I go:

New Memories:

(1) We took a trip to see family about two weeks ago.  I had the chance to see several aunts, uncles, cousins and relatives that I had not seen in over two years.  A few of them had never even met Vivian before.  We all had a huge family dinner (about 35 people) at a local seafood restaurant.  It was a lot of fun.  I give credit to my parents for organizing and arranging it all with the place.  Vivian had a great time playing with her cousins as you'll see in these photos:











(2) During that trip to see family, I had a few nostalgic moments.   I was thinking a lot about my two grandfathers who passed away years ago.  My parents have two eulogies of them both hanging on their walls - one is a poem I wrote for one; the other was a letter my brother wrote and read at the other's funeral.  In addition, I visited my grandmother in the nursing home and it saddened me to know that she may not be with us for very much longer.  My dad and his siblings are selling her house.   She spent over 60 years in that place so it's weird to know that someone else will be living there soon.  I had the opportunity to go through it and pick out a few things from her kitchen and bedrooms for sentimental reasons.  (I'm actually working on a blog post about that now.)  

While chatting during that visit, my sister in law Karen tells me that she's been playing around on the site ancestry.com to work on the family tree for both sides of her family.   Talking to her and being around my older relatives makes me wish I had talked more to my grandparents and taken notes about their stories, lives and mannerisms as I was growing up and while they were younger.  Their way of life was so different than today's age and I really should have done a better job of finding a way to preserve it for my daughter.  Even though my two grandmothers are not always coherent when they speak, I hope to explore options of talking to their siblings and children to build my own family tree that I can share with Vivian someday.








We love you Maw-Maw.

New Fears:

(3) Vivian has a new phobia: bugs.  Not just any bug either.  ALL BUGS.  Flies, caterpillars, bees, dragonflies, mosquitos, millipedes, ants, and just anything related that flies or crawls and creeps around.  On Saturday a fly flew into the car and she went into full on hysterics - crying real tears, screaming, kicking her feet.  Kirk was driving and I was sitting in the front passenger seat.  We rolled the windows down.  We tried to soothe her that it would not bite her or harm her.  Nothing seemed to work.  Nothing.  Sigh!   A friend told me it's important not to overlook this fear even though it seems silly to us as parents.  She's really upset over this.  It's going to be a long spring and summer season with these kind of episodes.  I hope things improve or that I can at least find a way to help my daughter cope with this fear. 


(4) During the recent visit to see family, I noticed that everyone (myself included) is getting older and that the time is growing shorter.  Seeing and realizing this reminds me of my own biggest fear: Death.  I'm afraid to die.  There I said it.  I'm typing it out loud.  I'm scared of death.  I know I'm not alone in this fear but sometimes I feel like I am.  I suppose it's because of my uncertainties of what lies after death and my religious confusion and lack of faith on most days.  What can we do to help relief these kind of deep fears though?  Death is inevitable.  The circle of life and all that jazz.  Maybe that's why I'm blogging and writing less though these days.  I miss it yet I'm out enjoying more in my surroundings. 



New Additions (...How $2 quickly turned into $100...):

Speaking of enjoying my surroundings more, our family visited a Renaissance Fair over the weekend.  We saw all kinds of crazy sites.  And I'm not just talking about the people dressed in strange costumes, which included a giant wizard, a Capt. Jack Sparrow copycat and a woman with black horns and black wings.  Walking around we also saw real elephants, camels, a puppet show, Irish step dancers and all the typical greasy foods that are hard to resist.  I stopped as I past a game booth that said, "Frog Catapult."  Something about it caught my eye.  So I entered.

The cost was $1 for three throws. The object of the game was to use a hammer to catapult a plastic frog into a basket. The winner got to choose a goldfish. I didn't come close for the first three throws. So I paid another dollar and played again.  Kirk wasn't interested in playing so it was up to me. Two more throws and I missed it again. Finally on my sixth and last throw, the frog went into the basket.  Yes!  Victory!   Cue music "We are the champions....."   So Vivian got to choose a fish from their tank. 

(5) So yes, we have a new addition to our family: A goldfish! 


But with a face as happy as this (see below photos), you'd have done the same thing!







Vivian  proudly carried around the prize fish all over the fairgrounds.  She never let that fish go.  She seemed to flaunt it and hold it up high as we continued to walk around.  It was quite comical.  We received all kinds of stares and comments about this fish.  I'll admit.... I LOVED IT!  I felt like the rock star mom who won my kid a fish at the fair!  I was awesome!  Oh yeah!

That awesome feeling wore off in the car ride home though as we realized that we had no place to put this fish and no holding tank for it. Not very smart thinking of me, the mommy but oh well.... A quick trip to the pet store and we bought everything we needed, including two other goldfish.   And that my friends is how a two dollar prize fish can end up costing you one hundred dollars.

But again, just look at this happy face (below):




Now my only hope is that our new pets - "Shark Bait," "Diva" and "Sassy" will be around for awhile and we won't have to rename them Dead Fish #1, 2 and 3.   We'll keep you posted on their progress.  So far they are thriving but it's only been one day! 


Other Random Thoughts:

(6) While traveling to and from Louisiana, I had a few hours of uninterrupted time reading in the car.  I'm half-way through the book "The Happiness Project," which I'm really, really enjoying.  The author says a few things in the book that I find very interesting that I want to share here:

- "Fake it until you feel it."  (She's not talking about sex either, just general life happenings.)  Sometimes we don't feel like doing things but we just have to.  So if we act the way we want to feel and give it a try, we can often surprise ourselves!

- "What you do every day matters more than what you do once in awhile."  For example, my husband is not one to give me gifts or flowers.  But I feel loved by him every day in his words and his actions.  That does say much more to me than a box of chocolates or a diamond necklace ever would.

- "Be True To Who You Are.  Acknowledge what you enjoy not just what you wish you enjoyed"  So true!  I love the idea of knitting or gardening but it's just not who I am! 

- "Lighten up.  Be silly.  Joke more.  Start new family traditions and have family theme nights to break up the boring routine."  I love the ideas the author discusses in her book!

- "Everything is beautiful.  But some things appeal more to us than others."  One man's treasure is another person's junk. 

The book has also given me some great suggestions on how I can declutter my house, organize my pictures and other memorabilia and has my brain churning on some special gifts that I want to put together for my friends.  I love it when a book has me excited and ready to take action in my own life! 


What's happening in your world these days?  I am looking forward to springtime.  Although here in Florida, it already feels like the season has begun! 

Life is a Playground (And so is our backyard).

Every single day,
I wake up and play

With a beautiful little girl
Who has a head-full of curls.

When my daughter is not starting a war,
She truly is my shining star.

I laugh and smile so much these days
The hours pass on and time is a haze.

We live in a pretend world, a play zone
Where our dreams and hopes are our own.

She sees things in delight and wonder
From a red stop sign to the sound of thunder.

I forget my life before she came along
For now we sing a new song.

Tunes of silliness, words of laughter
And movies where things end happily ever after.

I know these days won't always last
I know the future will have disappointments that appear fast.

Yet now I'm enjoying the simple playground
The one where I see happiness and hear joyful sounds.

As we climb the wall, slide down and swing
I'm reminded of the precious gift that life brings.

Of how we're only here for a short time
Something I can't even capture in this rhyme.

How I want to cherish moments - spend them having fun
Before the hour glass runs out and time is done.

I'm going to play hard and be in the wild
For myself, for my husband and for my gorgeous child.


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Here are the photos and the three year old that inspired the above, simple poem:



















Do you make time to "play" each day?  I'm trying to remember that my life is a playground.  Now I have a constant reminder in my own backyard!  :)

Finding The Balance

I've been thinking a lot about balance in my life lately.  Perhaps it has to do with recent conversations I've had with friends.  My pal and I were talking about how to fit it all in within a day.  And by "fit it all in" I mean a combination of taking care of the kids, taking care of the house, taking care of our spouses and yes, taking care of ourselves too.  Not very often can you manage a day like that, a day where you can make everyone happy, including yourself. 


Realistically in our society, I don't think you can have a day like that every day.  I strive for one or two balanced days per week.  The rest of the time, I try to go with the flow, be accepting of change or let the day lead me rather than me lead the day. 


One day last week though I had a very balanced, wonderful day.  I had plans with a friend but they weren't until later in the afternoon.  I woke up early and didn't feel like exercising right away.   So I made myself a cup of hot tea and decided to read a book instead.  First, I threw in a load of laundry into the wash.  (That's my quick-fix to feeling productive - just do at least one load of laundry per day!)  I managed a few minutes of quiet reading before the diva woke up.   Then I made Viv breakfast and instructed her to play in her room so mommy could enjoy reading a little longer.  Thankfully she did.  Soon 40 minutes turned into almost two hours of Vivian using her own imagination and me getting absorbed into the characters of a Neil Simon play. 

A little while later, my friend called me and canceled.  Her kids were still sick and not up to visitors.  No problem, I thought.  I wasn't real disappointed since I was enjoying a peaceful morning to myself.  I felt educated and inspired from reading my book. 

Next I wanted to feel better about my body physically.  So I dusted off the "30-day shred" DVD and popped it into the player.  Vivian joined me for half of the workout making me laugh or driving me nuts with her endless questions about each step we were performing.  I felt better when it was over and done with though. 

Then I glanced all over the house - a complete wreck!  While I was absorbed into my early morning reading, Vivian had dragged out every stuffed animal, every blanket and every toy from her room.  The living room looked like someone had vomitted toys all over it.  That's okay though.  Because even though things were a mess, we could clean them up in a reasonable time.  Perhaps we could make a game out of it.  The mess was still worth the time to myself.  I could compromise on that! 

After cleaning up, we played outside in the beautiful weather.  Nothing special.  Just running around in the backyard, playing catch, kicking a ball, swinging and blowing bubbles.  Although it's not much to me, to my three year old, this is heaven.  So I was glad that the morning was about me and then the afternoon could be about making my daughter happy.  We enjoyed a picnic lunch, watched one of her favorite TV programs and then read stories before her naptime. 

Not long after naptime started, my husband arrived early from work.  A rare, nice occasion!  One that we both enjoy, especially when our daughter is still napping and we can enjoy some intimate time alone.  (Cue music to "Afternoon Delight.")  We even had time to cuddle and watch a little adult television before the diva woke up.

After Viv arose from slumber, we had dinner together: pizza (with red wine for Kirk and me).  As Kirk cleared away the dishes, I folded the laundry I had put in the dryer that morning.   Then we watched a movie as a family - one of my favorite things to do and a great way to unwind from the day. 

We tucked our beautiful girl into bed.  I gave the dog a few belly rubs.  Then Kirk and I enjoyed more quiet time together.  It had been a great day.  A day of balanced energy and time for those I love most - myself, my daughter, my husband and our family.  I was diligent about giving each person what they needed, including myself.  Then I was even productive around the house too.  What more could I want?

Not every day is like this.  We're lucky to enjoy one day out of the week like this.  But when we do, it's precious and special.  I want to remember it so that's why I wrote about it here.  After a day like that, I strive to have more of them in my life.

I hope you have luck finding the balance in your day, your week, your month and your year!  Keep working toward it!