"To Thine Ownself Be True"

I have been thinking of this quote from Shakespeare's "Hamlet" since I woke up this morning.

”This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”


Actually I was only thinking of the line - "to thine ownself be true," and no, I don't normally think of Shakespeare or his quotes on a daily basis.

In fact, I haven't read his work since my days in college literature classes. I remember it though when I happen to catch the movie Clueless or Renaissance Man on television. Both great movies in their own respect.


Why am I thinking of this line? Well, it is something that has been in the background of my mind a lot lately -- being honest; being myself; understanding who I am and embracing it. The reason I started this blog was for me to just write down my thoughts as I stagger through this life trying to figure things out.

I haven't been good about keeping a journal or writing in my daughter's baby book. I don't even have prints of her photos made anymore. So this is my on-line diary or scrapbook, if you will.


After having my daughter, I thought I'd have a clearer understanding of the meaning of life. But guess what, I don't. I'm more confused now than ever. I admire people who have strong passion for things like politics and religion because I do not. I'm more of a "middle of the road" kind of gal, I guess. Those things are not important to me at this point yet. In fact, I'm not sure where I stand with them.


But what I have been doing for me (and for my daughter) is being more honest with myself. I've been writing down my thoughts and feelings, good or bad, happy or sad. When people say, "isn't motherhood wonderful?" I reply honestly, "Well, it can be and it has its moments, but man, it isn't easy and my daughter is such a diva..."

I don't want to be fake. I don't want to be a braggart. What do I have to brag about anyway? I just want to be honest. My daughter is beautiful and funny(okay, so maybe that is bragging a little....) but she's not a genius. She's probably just average at this point, maybe even a little behind average in some areas. But I'm starting to think that it's okay to be normal, average, and even mainstream. As long as it's who you are and you're owning up to it.


What's wrong with being normal or average anyway? Why do you have to stand out or be so different? As long as you do what you do or like what you like because you truly do, then what is the harm in that? Many parents would kill to have just a normal, healthy child.


Why is there so much competition among parents to have the genius child? "My toddler can say 60 words and he's only 18 months old." Well, that's great. My daughter likes to put grass in her mouth but she does it while laughing. And she makes me laugh. And frankly I could use a laugh, not a child who can be disrespectful to me in two languages.


Not all competition is bad. I mean if there wasn't some incentive to be the best, we wouldn't have star athletes or the Olympics. But why does society feel the need to outdo and "one-up" over another just on the daily things in life. I have been sucked into the drama of feeling guilty that my child is not up to par but I'm trying to rise above that now. That is in part to some great people I have come to know.


For almost a year now, I have had the great privilege of being on a private online board with some wonderful women through babycenter. I have never met these ladies in real life; they all live in different U.S. states and even in Canada. Most of our toddlers are about the same age. We have different backgrounds, views and parenting styles. But we all have this common thing -- we're all completely and utterly honest with each other and we enjoy the conversations that we have on a daily basis. I learn so much from these gals - like Carrie, Danielle, and Jen for instance. There's also Jess, Cindi, Christie, Tammy, Erin, Shannon, Deb, Rebecca, Nikki, Liz and a few others that I know I'm forgetting.


Talking with these ladies is like being in mommy college together. We're asking questions, offering advice but more importantly support, laughing and exchanging stories. We share a lot - photos and videos, poop stories, husband rants, you name it. I don't feel like I'm in competition with these women. I don't worry as much if my child is doing what one of their kids is doing. They just want me to be myself. We're all true to ourselves.


Now I realize that this is all I can be right now - honest with myself and honest with others. Yes, I don't have it figured out. Yes, I have hard time being a mom and even liking it sometimes. Yes, I like Coldplay (Stuart, you can call me a zombie, if you want to. I'm okay with that. Hahaha!). Yes, I have a lot to learn. I don't know what is going to happen in the future and where the road will lead me and my family.


But I am being who I am and who I think I should be at this particular moment. I think Shakespeare would be proud of me for that.