Selfish Tendencies

I can be a selfish beast! Yes me, honestly. Ask my husband, my mom and a few other people who have known me a long time. I have these selfish tendencies that creep out of me from time to time. These bad habits can come on suddenly, much like a summer thunderstorm. Something in my brain will just trigger and I become a nightmare.

For instance, my daughter has been teething for the past five days. She's been whiney, upset and cranky. Her teeth are hurting her and she is hardly eating anything. She is in agony. And there were moments when I thought to myself... Gosh, I really don't feel like dealing with her. When is she going to get over this? Stop crying! Isn't that awful?

Seriously! I mean, here is my daughter in pain and I'm thinking about myself and my feelings instead of hers. I was thinking how she was incoveniencing me. See - beastly Mandy!

Another example, my husband Kirk wants to have friends over this weekend. One of them is supposed to be bringing two sacks of boiled crawfish for us all to enjoy. He rarely ever asks me for anything and doesn't have many friends here in Alabama. When he first mentioned it to me, I groaned.

Aha - the beast is back! Negative, selfish thoughts start kicking in... Great, now I'll have to clean and straighten the house. Now I have to play hostess when I just feel like relaxing. This is going to hinder what I want to do. I, I, I, me, me me.

Why am I like this? I really don't know. Maybe I need to visit a third-world country to get a dose of reality.

I am a lucky person. I have much to be thankful for. But every so often....I just become ugly.

Not that cute cheerleader song about being ugly either. You know the one - "U. G. L. Y. you ain't got no alibi, you ugly, yeah yeah, you ugly" all funny-like a Spartan Cheerleader. No, I mean ugly like Wicked Witch of the West hideousness.

Me and the beast within me:





How can I combat these greedy thoughts and actions?

I guess the first thing is to admit that I have them. (step 1 - my own self-intervention) This blog entry is proof of that. I can't always write about the good and happy things in my life. I can't pretend to be perfect when I'm certainly not.

Secondly, I must surround myself with people who are better than me. For if I want to be a genuine, humbler person then I must keep that same company. (step 2 - be friends with wonderful people). Whew, that's an easy one!! My friends and family members are all better people than I am. I married a guy who is pretty damn terrific and way less selfish than I am. I have a daughter who despite being a diva, loves me for who I am, even when I'm being a total witch to her. I have friends across the country who are awesome individuals. I see the gifts that these people are and I strive to be more like them. That I can do!

Finally, I have to learn from my mistakes. (step 3 - practice what I preach) Well, this is the tough one. How do I prevent this from happening again? Is there a vaccine for selfishness? Um, not to my knowledge. If there was, I'd be the first in line for it. That one and also patience and gratitude. (I need help with those bad habits as well).

For now, I will try to think more about what I say before I say it. I'll try to think about the consequences before I act out. I know that I will make more mistakes on this. However, hopefully this post will be a little reminder of my beastly attitude and how I want to move beyond it.

I know that I can work harder to be a great person. Nobody is perfect but we can always strive to be better people. That is what I want to do. If I am going to act like a monster, I need to focus on at least being a lovable one -- one that Vivian can look up to and admire.

The monster that I want to become (but less annoying):























After all, it's not just Mandy any more. I have others to care for and who need me. I need to get over myself and own up to my faults. I can do this. I can put aside my annoyances to think of others first.

I will do this and who knows, maybe it will make me happier and I will never want to be selfish again. Ohh, who am I kidding? That is a bit overkill. But... I will try. I will try.