Oh, the Guilt!

Guilt has been weighing on me more than ever lately. Mommy guilt that is. I feel guilty over other things too but the challenges of being a mom have entered heavily on my head and heart these days.

I'm taking a big risk uttering these words, but here goes - I wish that I could be a stay-at-home mom. There, I said it.

This has been on my mind for awhile now. Now that I've said that, I will probably change my mind. Or if it ever happens, I may regret saying that line. But at this moment, as I sit and type this, I want to be home with Vivian.

I am a full-time working mom that works outside of the house. I say "work outside the home" because let's face it, stay-at-home moms are definitely working moms too. They work their butts off inside the house with their children every day. I know how hard of a life they have.

I actually stayed at home for three months after we moved from Ohio to Alabama. Vivian was just six months old at the time. It drove me crazy actually.

Looking back now, I am not clear on why it was so hard for me. But I've narrowed it down to a few possibilities: (1) the adjustments to new motherhood, (2) the fact that I'm not a huge fan of the baby stage, when the child is dependent upon you for everything or (3) just living in a new place where I didn't know anyone yet and felt utterly alone. But from May to August 2008, I went through a rough time being a stay-at-home mom.

I was actually happy when I returned to work in mid-August 2008. Of course then after I returned to work, I wanted to be home again with Vivian. I missed her incredibly the way that I do now. Do you see the vicious cycle here?

I like bringing in dollars for my family. I like contributing financially. But I miss the time at home too. I feel as if I'm missing out on so many little things that my daughter does each day. I'm not as involved in the day-to-day shaping and molding of who she is becoming and what she is learning.

Sometimes I even miss the opportunities of organizing the house, trying out new recipes on a weekday and having more time to exercise. Sure there are perks of staying in my pajamas all day, if I want to, but that can even get old.

Nearly every day when I drop Viv off at day care, she cries and clings to me. It breaks my heart. Many days I shed a tear as I walk out to my car. At least I'm able to stay strong in front of her.

And so it sinks deeper into the depths of me - Guilt, Guilt, Guilt. The guilt weight we women carry on our shoulders day in and day out is enough to put holes through the earth!

Working outside the home moms feel guilty not being home more. Stay-at-home moms feel guilty for not bringing in dollars and for wanting time to themselves after being home with the children all day long. We all struggle to find a balance in our lives.

I am sure that we women aren't the only ones who feel this guilt. Men must feel it too. They have pressures to be the providers and the source of strength for their families. But I think for most of them, their worries and burden don't constantly resurface the way that those thoughts do for women on a daily basis.

We do the best we can with our time, as limited as it may be. Although I am conflicted about it, I try to make the choices that are in the best interest of everyone in my family. Vivian's day care may be just a glorified babysitting service but it is better for us so that we can save money toward her future - private school perhaps? activities that will enrich her mind? (That's how I justify it, anyway.)

Since I can't always be with Vivian to enjoy all the funny and precious things she is doing, I've started writing down some of her behaviors so I won't forget. I am trying to do a better job at documenting her habits, milestones and personality traits so I can remember them and cherish them forever.

Here's a short list of her wacky but loving things that she's done recently(obviously inherited by me):

(a) I caught her in my rearview mirror while she was comforting her little clown puppet that I had given her to play with (as I strapped in her carseat belt). She was hugging the clown and patting it on the back in a consoling manner. Exactly what I do to her when she's crying or hugging me. I pat her on the back. It was just so sweet to watch her do that, especially when she didn't know I was looking.

(b) Another thing Viva the Diva has been doing currently is running at me and screaming, "AAAAHHHH!" and then laughing. Think the Home Alone movie and Macaulay Culkin kind of scream. Except she doesn't put her hands over her face. Not sure where she got that from or how I should react. I usually just yell back and run at her in an even crazier manner.

(c) Her continuous affection lately. She'll run and hug her daddy and me. She has been putting her head in my lap. It's so sweet and so unlike her behavior for the first 15 months of her life when she didn't want to touch us or want us touching her really at all.

(d) Seeing her focus in on objects and her surroundings. She's an observer and she notices everything.

(e) How she has started lifting up her shirt to pat her belly. LOL! She will even use her utensils to poke herself in the tummy while saying "beh-ley." It's quite comical.

Those are just a few of her newest quirks. Oh how I am enjoying this stage and age. I really love this kid and wish I could spend more time with her.

Guilt will always be upon me, this I am sure. I guess the trick is to live and forgive. Learn to adjust to guilty feelings and forgive myself for having them. Enjoy each moment I have in the present instead of what I missed earlier in the day. Quality, not quantity, they say.

But if it's not Vivian, then it's something else I feel guilty over, like how I neglected the laundry, dirty dishes and the dog. How I can't spend enough time with Kirk or even enough time on myself. Just taking time to write this blog makes me feel anguish at times. Like humorist and writer Erma Bombeck says, “Guilt (is) the gift that keeps on giving.” Oh, how right she is!