She's Like the Wind

Am I thinking of that Patrick Swayze song? I really like that tune -- it's very poetic and well written but no, I'm not talking about those lyrics.

While I was watching Vivian interact in nature Friday evening, a thought entered my mind: She's like the wind.

My daughter can often be a refreshing breeze that blows against your neck, cooling you off on a hot summer day. And how the wind can blow your hair in the wrong direction but make you laugh as you brush it back into place? Well, she's like that too. She sends me off-balance and I find myself trying to gain composure again.

Or she can be fierce like a hurricane or storm (and believe me, I know all about that, having gone through several of them!!) She blows me away sometimes. Her fury or her giggles can often knock the wind out of me.

She is a force of nature to be reckoned with! So strong or so gentle. Playful or frightful. Whatever she feels like being.

Last night while we were outside playing together, I had one of those "I love being a mom" moments. One of those minutes where you catch yourself looking at your child and a tear comes to your eye because you realize, "I really do love you. I will do anything for you."

I know, it's quite sickening. I give you permission to skip the rest or vomit a little in your mouth if you so choose. But those who know me well, you know that I don't feel this way very often. I struggle a lot with being a mom. In fact, I don't think I even liked Vivian until she was around 11 months old.

So these precious moments are not daily or even weekly for me. I'm sure by the end of today (or in five minutes), I'll want to pull my hair out over her. But for now, I want to write about how honored I felt being her mom last night.

After a long, stressful week, she and I ended our night by running around outside in our backyard. We played basketball, threw a tennis ball down the driveway, talked to birds resting on the telephone wires and blew bubbles. Vivian twirled around and I chased the dog.

Then we found a spot in the grass, sat down and just stared at the sky. The sun was beginning to set. Our street was completely quiet. Usually there is some activity - cars passing by or kids running and playing. But nothing. Totally quiet.

Vivian sat on my lap, something that doesn't happen too often these days, not for more than three seconds. But she sat on my lap for ten minutes. I ran my fingers through her hair and hugged her.

I thought to myself, "I really do love this kid. I can't believe I created this awesome being sitting next to me. She really is touching a new depth in me that I didn't know existed." And I shed a tiny tear. (You can puke now). I really did. It came like a revelation to me. I really am happy to be a mom, to be her mom.

I often wonder if I'm too selfish to have a child or if I am a good mom. I'm not really a romantic, sentimental person. But I do have my moments from time to time. Last night was one of them, I guess. When we sat quietly on the lawn, I realized that I was right where I was meant to be.

She turned to look back at me and a breeze blew against our faces. Once again, the wind was blowing me away, chiseling away at my once hardened heart.

And as the precious moment continued and I felt so content, Vivian bent over to put a piece of grass in her mouth. Then as I said, "no honey, don't eat that. Save that for the animals," she started groaning and fussing at me. She stood up from my lap and gave me one of her trademark dirty looks. Our moment had ended.

Oh well, such is life! Maybe when I sit in the grass and feel that cool breeze against my neck again, I'll be reminded of what we shared. And how she has forever changed me for the better.