Don't Let The Bed Bugs Bite....

And don't let the beetle bite or let the june bug bite or WHATEVER THE HELL that thing was last night that was crawling all over my husband's leg! Jeepers Creepers! I mean sure, Kirk has nice legs but come'on!

Yes, we had an early wake up call last night. Kirk jumped out of the bed and turned the lamp light on, saying he felt a pinch of some kind. This was around 11:15 p.m. So it wasn't real late or real early, but I had taken a melatonin to help me sleep and I was very 'out of it' when he startled me out of dreamland.

So there we were flipping over the sheets, bed spread and pillows looking for other critters in our bed. Thankfully, we only saw the one black bug. We knew by the looks of it that it wasn't a real bed bug. It looked similar to the beetles we see just outside our front door after a rainfall. So we breathed a small sigh of relief.

But that didn't prevent us from removing the sheets and replacing them with new ones. Then we spent another two hours lying in bed itching and squirming around at the unknown of what else could be crawling around.

We are clean people. We just washed our bed sheets five days prior to this invasion. Never in our seven years of marriage, the two apartments, and the three houses that we have lived in have we found insects or other animals in our bed! Now that we have, I feel a little bit vandalized, like a burglar came into my home and violated my personal space. How dare ye bug come into my pristine bed while I sleep and try to eat my husband or puncture my delicate skin!

This was not our first encounter with bugs in bed either. Just the first incident at our home. We actually found bed bugs in the hospital sofa bed that Kirk slept in the night our daughter Vivian was born. Yes! It was 3a.m. and we had to change hospital rooms with a sleeping, newborn baby because my husband discovered three bed bugs within the sofa sleeper he was laying. The hospital was very embarrassed and later quarantined the room. I believe they gave us extra meals or snacks because of the incident. (Whoop-tee-do!)

Also during a recent business beach trip to Gulf Shores in May 2009, some kind of bug bit me in my sleep. We stayed in a beach condo and I woke up on the last day with red, itchy marks on my ankles and feet. The markings took a whole week before they disappeared. I have no clue if it was a bed bug, some beach bug or just an unknown critter invading my sleeping space. Thankfully at that time, nothing seemed to have bitten Kirk or Vivian. Just me. Lucky me.

My parents had an above-ground pool in our backyard. As a kid, I spent my summers swimming in that pool. Nearly every day I found a bug of some sort trying to swim around like it was his or her own private jacuzzi. I'll never forget the time I was surprised to find an insect inside my bathing suit in the most delicate spot. Oh yes, you know where I'm referring to - my crotch area. EWWWWW! Talk about feeling de-flowered at age 12 by an ant fly (or maybe it was a june bug). No wonder I'm half-crazy now!

Why do bugs like us humans so much, particularly Kirk and me? Why can't they just stay on their side of the grass, tree, or wherever they normally dwell. But noooo! Somehow, someway they always find a way to pop up, fly in, or sneak in for a surprise visit. Even at work, a disgusting creature tried to do a song and dance routine for me not long ago!

We arrange for pest control to spray our house, both internal and external, at least once per year. We don't leave out food or things that will attract animals, not to my knowledge anyway. What else can we do?

Although I definitely see more bugs in the south, (they like the heat!) I know there must be pest problems all over the U.S., all over this world. We cannot protect ourselves from the little savages that might be inching near us at any given moment.

Do I step on them? Do I kill you? Or will your friend, sister, brother or cousin be lurking around to get me next? I'm itching and scratching now just thinking about all this.

Let's just hope that tonight is a bug-free night. And please let me never, ever, never have to use the phrase, "Well ____ has a bug up her (or his) ass," at least not about my husband, daughter or me. If I ever have to literally experience that, just call pest control to come over now and put me out of my misery.