Is The Dentist The New Spa Treatment Or Carnival Visit?

I guess I missed the memo that went out about dental visits being the new spa treatments for women. Why didn't any of you tell me? I would have gone a lot sooner, rather than waiting four years to find the strength to go again. Actually for me, it was like a spa place and an amusement park combined. Let me explain more.

I call it the spa treatment because when I walked into the office, a row of pretty, young women looked up and smiled. (Stepford wives?) Finally, one of them said, "Mandy?" "Yes, that's me," I replied. (Was it written on my forehead or was I the only appointment for that whole hour?) She made copies of my insurance cards and drivers license and just continued to smile the whole time.

Then a pretty blonde, let's just call her Barbie Dental Hygienist, led me to my room. Inside my dental room was a flat screen TV! When did dentist offices start putting these in?? Barbie moved my chair back. It was quite comfortable, not at all like the straitjacket chair I expected. More like a sofa. All it needed was a massage tool for my back and a cup holder for my mixed drink and I'd be all set!

Barbie had the TV positioned on the Home and Garden Channel. Perhaps she was looking for new tips on planting annuals? Bon Jovi was singing in the background of the room. She took x-rays of my teeth first, carefully slipping plastic applicators into my mouth over and over again from different angles.

I tried to imagine how funny it would be to have a video camera filming patients like me during visits. My face twisted and contorted in all sorts of weird positions during those x-rays. I kept squinting my eyes, puffing my lips and more. I'm sure I must've looked extremely silly or strung out on drugs.

After that, Barbie then escorted me to another room where I had to place my whole head in between some strange contraption with metal arms. Can you say carnival funhouse? I could see a huge mirror in the background as she clasped these tools around my ears and asked me bite down on a plastic thingy while this machine moved all around my face. Was Hannibal Lecter going to jump out with a bottle of Chianti and try to eat me? Yikes! That part was a little creepy but quick, thank goodness.

Back in the spa room, Barbie began working on my teeth. I warned her that I am a bit of a bleeder (and drooler). She was very gentle with me. Either she's really good at her job or I developed a higher tolerance of pain since my last visit, because I barely felt any discomfort throughout the entire cleaning process. I closed my eyes and just relaxed without a dozen thoughts running through my head.

She scraped and pulled but not to any extent that it bothered me. She used those odd-shaped gadgets and tubes that spray water and air into your mouth. I imagine this is what a car feels like going through one of those mechanical washes. At one point, between my half-opened eyes, I saw spit (mine I suppose?) and flouride flying through the air in the same manner that I've seen sparks and ice fly during an ice sculpture carving contest.

Finally she was done. I didn't even have to drink any nasty liquid stuff. I asked Barbie how my x-rays looked. She pointed out that I had a chip on a tooth but the rest looked okay to her. She said the dentist would be in soon to confirm her findings. I asked her to show me which tooth had the chip in it. So she put some device in my mouth and we watched my teeth on the flatscreen TV. Again, I felt like I was in an amusement park room seeing my gigantic teeth on the television screen.

She asked me to hold a mirror over my mouth while she pointed out a few sensitive areas of my gums. Not very attractive to see your mouth so close-up like that. It's very much like seeing distorted images in a funhouse. Fortunately, that didn't last too long though.



Then Mr. Dentist walked in. A good looking, charismatic man named Art (how appropriate!) He thanked me for choosing to come to his establishment. Thanking me? He said my teeth were in good shape. I had just a "tiny filling" and he mentioned that one tooth with a "slight chip" in it that Barbie already told me about. He said I didn't need to rush to fix either of those problems though.

We talked about options for straightening and whitening my teeth. He referred me to a local orthodontist and said to visit him again after I made that appointment. I was in and out of the office in less than an hour. Should I have left a tip?

So not bad. I certainly can't complain. I won't let another four years go by before I receive this kind of royal treatment again. My self-improvement plan is underway and it's off to a great start.

Now I must indulge in two cookies (one chocolate chip and one lemon-flavored) to celebrate my results. My teeth are much too minty-fresh right now so I need to remedy that problem. :-) I hope your next dentist and doctor visits go as well as mine did today.