A Resume for Moms

Recently my sister-in-law Christy asked me to help her with her resume. She's been a stay at home mom for four years. Her daughter, my beautiful neice Brooklynn, has just started pre-school. Therefore, Christy is seeking to enter the workforce again, if the right opportunity comes along.

Here is the resume that I created, partly in her honor, and also in tribute to all the full-time moms out there. I would LOVE to send this resume out to a potential employer but I'm afraid the Human Resources Director might not find it so humorous.

But I can share it here, for fun. This is for all the hardworking, underappreciated mothers in this world, especially those of you with the hardest emloyers around - your kids!

I salute you all! This is for you:

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Full-time Mom (Insert Your Name Here)
123 Going Out Of My Mind Parkway
Anywhere, USA 55556

Home phone: It is out of order, my kid threw the wiring and the device in the toilet
Cellular phone: The battery is dead because I left it in the stroller
E-mail: whyme@moms.me


Summary:
• Highly organized since I manage three children, a husband, this household, two pets and one other animal that has yet to show its face
• Highly resourceful when it comes to restraining myself from pulling my hair out each and every day
• Strong sense of responsibility that kid number one and two were planned but number three was an oops. But I take full responsiblity in drinking too much wine that night
• Dedicated to excellence in bringing up fine children (you won't count that incident against me where kid number two pulled that lady's pants down, will ya?)
• Possesses a positive mental attitude (for at least five minutes a day when I lock myself in the bathroom)
• Willing to learn and ready for increased responsibility, training and education (After all, I've mastered the art of saying "no" under extreme manipulation, avoided the cuteness routine and regularly manage a borderline dysfunctional family)


Goal: To work for an organization that allows me to escape into a new world and pretend I'm still 22 years old, single and fifteen pounds lighter than I am now.


Technical Skills:
• I can juggle
• I can wipe butts
• I can talk on the phone, burn dinner and help with homework all at the same time.
• I can read and do the voices of all animals in a book
• I can type while completely ignoring my children
• I can operate heavy machinery and build things (Have you seen the toys these days and the engineering degree you need to put them together?)


Awards: Received the "You didn't screw up today" award by my nine-year old. Received the "Thanks for not feeding us leftovers again" award by my five year old. When my fifteen month old learns to speak, I'm sure I'll receive the "Thank you for calling me my brother's name instead of my own" award.


Education:
• Degree in Early Childhood Education (okay, not really but I'm raising three children who haven't killed each other. Shouldn't that count for something?)


Experience:

Motherhood
November 2000 – Present: Position of Overworked, Underappreciated Mother

• Manage all personal and business affairs of the three human beings that came from my land down under.
• Coordinate meals, teeth-brushing, illnesses, meltdowns, cuddle time, bedtime stories, etc.
• Notify upper management (grandparents) when I absolutely need a break from the above listed items.
• Record the number of complaints and tantrums made each day for historical purposes (and to throw it back in my children's faces someday).
• Manage our records retention program (throw out old artwork, doctors' bills and coupons that expire, when applicable).
• Manage travel accounts and expense reports (trips to the grocery store, zoo, children's museum, aquarium, coffee shop, bookstore, etc.)
• Update filing system (photos of children that haven't been updated in two years, oops!)
• Supervise the potty training process. Then throw it in the crapper for two months. Then pick it up again and try again. Then give up again. Then finally master it with second child only to dread it again with third child.
• Coordinator of all butt wiping and snot removal in the house, sadly including the dog.
• Supervise the details of all holidays, birthday parties and all the shopping and gift buying that goes along with those events (except for one Thanksgiving where I had a meltdown after the turkey fell apart and I burned the pumpkin bread).
• Balance checkbook and organize finances for family (including only eating crackers and cheese, when necessary).
• Coordinate occasional opportunities to have a date with my husband (never mind time to myself though).
• Slave to the cult classics known as Sesame Street, Elmo, Dora the Explorer, Lazytown, Backyardigans, Blue's Clues and every Disney movie known to man (meaning that I'm stuck watching what my kids want.)
• Nurse to every bruise, scrape, cut and fall that my children (or even total strangers) incur in my presence.
• Defender of the dark arts - monsters, thunderstorms and imaginary creatures that scare us.
• You name it, I do it. Now do you really think you could hire someone else that would do a better job than me??



References: I have them. They're just smeared with peanut butter and jelly right now so I can't clearly make out the names and numbers.

I'll be awaiting your call. Thanks for the consideration.




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(Note: Please add further job descriptions and details to this resume via your comments. I know I have forgotten many things that you wonderful moms out there do on a daily basis. Remember, I'm a mom too so I have that "mommy brain" now where I can't remember much past last week.)