Making Friends At My Age

I have had some interesting conversations lately with new acquaintanaces and my virtual friends.  We discussed fostering friendships - the ups and downs of making friends at our age. 

Now I realize I'm not old.  I'm no spring chicken but 31 years is not significantly ancient either. 

Still, I'm over 30 and I don't really have a best friend. Kirk is the closest thing to a best friend of mine.  But let's face it, having a male-friend is different than having a girl-friend.  And I don't have a woman friend in my life that comes close to that B-F-F title. 

As I gabbed with my pal Carrie a few weeks ago about moving to Florida, incorporating a healthier lifestyle and being self-motivated, she suddenly said to me, "Mandy, it sounds like you're your own best friend."  I laughed when she said that.  Then I thought about it for a few minutes.  "I suppose you're right, Carrie.  For the past several years, I have been my own best friend." 

Now I'm not quite sure if being my own B-F-F is pathetic and depressing or a good notion.  When you move three times in four years, you typically leave before you can strengthen and deepen the relationships you start. 

I have met such wonderful people at each location where I have lived.  I make efforts to stay in touch but sometimes I realize it's been several weeks or months since we last spoke.  So I wonder if we'll eventually drift apart or if we will ever travel to see each other when we're hundreds of miles away. 

I have been close with different people in my life at different stages.  There have been my high school friends, which dwindled down to less than a handful with years of not speaking or seeing each other.  Then there were my college friends who now all live in different cities or states, are married with children and we just don't talk like we should.  In addition, there have been my work colleagues - a half-dozen group of women with whom I still stay in contact but never see anymore.  And now I enter a new zone - the stay at home moms groups.  What will happen when our children start school and when/if we go back to the workforce? 

I think about my mom who has three best friends in her life.  She has her sister Gisele.  She has her childhood B-F-F Betty.  And she has her more recent buddy Joanne. 

Sisterly love is a strong bond.  My mom and her sister are ten years apart and didn't become close until they got older.  But they talk almost every day now.  How I wished I would have had a sister in my life!?  I have a brother who is three years older than me but we're not very close.  I keep in touch with him through his wife, my sister-in-law Christy.  Now I realize that some brothers and sisters are tight, but no one in my family is really like that.  My mom has three brothers and one sister.  She and her sister are extremely close but she will go weeks without hearing from or talking to her brothers.  My dad has two sisters and I know for a fact that he has had trouble getting along with one of them for many years.  Perhaps he even wishes that he would've had a little or older brother instead.

My mom also has Betty, her B-F-F, the person who has known her her entire life.  They don't talk every week or see each other but a few times per year but they both make an effort in the friendship.  My mom and Betty share a long history that cannot be erased. 

Then later in my mom's life, in her 40's or 50's, she became best pals with a lady named JoAnne.  They taught together at the same school.  There must be some special bond between teachers because most teachers I know have very good friendships with each other.  All that trash talk in the teacher's lounge, I suppose.  My mom and Joanne became fast friends and began working out together at the gym, going to the theatre together and more.  In fact, nearly every time I speak to my mom on the phone, even today, it's "Joanne this" and "Joanne that."  Or "Joanne's son ____ did this...." 

I don't have any of those friendships in my life.  Sometimes I wish I did, but so far, I don't.  I am hoping though to make better efforts to continue the friendships that I do have in my life.  While my current peeps may not be in the B-F-F category, they are still important to me and I want to remain an active partner in the friendship.  Who knows, maybe one of them could become a B-F-F?

I'm now in the process of making new friends.  Each week, I meet someone additional and interesting. I'm working to help coordinate a regular meetup with a small group of women who all have children around the same age as Vivian.  Now maybe these women won't be my B-F-F either, but as long as I'm having great conversation, enjoying some laughter, and exposing my daughter (and myself) to new things, then I suppose that is all that matters.

Do you find it difficult to make friends at your current age?  I remember when I was a married woman without children, I found it very hard to make friends with people my age who didn't have any children or who were looking to add a new person into their life.  Sometimes if one person had a pet but the potential friend was not a pet-lover, then you'd seem to clash in that area too.  I suppose if you own a pet dog, you could visit a dog park in hopes to meet new folks that way.  Or you could join a book club or a knitting club at the local library if you want to meet acquaintances outside of work and home.  In my mid and late twenties, I felt the most lonely and friend-less, believe it or not.  Eventually, I bought a dog.  Then a year and a half later, I had a baby. 

Now as a mother, I find there are so many opportunties to meet other women, other moms.  There are moms clubs and playgroups all across the nation.  Public newspapers have online websites dedicated to the social networking of mothers and bringing up your children.  If you do the tiniest bit of research, you'll find dozens of activities geared toward mothers and their little ones. 

I know the virtual world is loaded with unique souls and wonderful friends (and writers).  I sure have enjoyed the people I've "met" through blogging and especially through my babycenter board.  You gain what you put into your internet friendships. 

Still, I want to focus more in the real world, rather than the virtual world these days.  I want to put forth the effort to see what develops with new and old friendships in my life.  For the first time (in a long time), I'm optimistic that I have something to give and something to gain.

I truly hope that Vivian and I will be the best of friends some day, even though I'll always be her mother first.  That is perhaps my greatest wish - that she and I can sit and have cocktails and deep conversation someday.

But even if time passes and that kind of relationship with my daughter doesn't happen....  Or even if I don't find that one person (or two or three folks) that I can call my B-F-F..... I know that I will be just fine.  Because as I have done for the past several years, I will be there for myself.  I will follow my instincts when it comes to my happiness.  I'll listen to my inner thoughts when making choices, gaining new life experiences and determining what I want to get out of each day.

When it comes down to it, do you believe that you are the only person you can count on?  Or as you grow older, do friendships matter less because they are replaced by family members and caring for your relatives?  Tell me about the friendships that you have in your life.