Top Ten Things I've Learned (So Far) About Being The Parent of a Toddler

I've been learning several things lately about my two year old, but more importantly, about being the parent of a toddler.  Here are a few of those educational tips that I believe are worth sharing:

(Note: These are all true. And all very recent to my experiences of motherhood.)


1.  If you give a two year old a blueberry pop-tart in the car, don't be surprised when she steps out looking like a smurf covered in blue hands with a blue face.


2. Spinning your toddler around in the Office Depot chair to kill time while you shop for a new desk during those post-Thanksgiving sales will result in your child throwing up and being dizzy.


3. When your two year old takes out the removable piece of the potty chair, puts it on her head and utters the word "hat," she is NOT ready for potty training.


4. Putting up a Christmas tree may seem like a good idea but don't expect your toddler not to be curious, pull every ornament off and to not understand why it should be admired from afar.


5. Flies, gnats and other bugs become your new best friend when you are the parent of a toddler. And why not? You walk around with smashed raisins, half-eaten cookies and cracker crumbs on your shirt, pants, purse, inside your car and more. You're positively delicious to the critters, I suppose.  (As long as one does not bite me and I avoid turning into Jeff Goldblum, then I suppose I can live with this one)

6. When you take your child in a public bathroom, warn the person in the stall next to you that your child may be curious enough to put her hands and face underneath that stall to see what's going on. Also, be prepared to stop in mid-stream to fuss your child for whatever reason. Lastly, be willing to have your child checking out your rear end on a regular basis.


7.  Practice your penmanship as you'll want to write a hate letter to whoever invented the first stuffed animal. Why? Because your two year old will want to drag out every teddy bear, Sesame street character and Muppet oddball in and out of the house for any reason. You'll want to rip their little stuffed heads off!

Here is one that I have composed so far:

Dear inventor of stuffed animals,

I do not like you. I'm tired of finding your wretched invention all over my floor, in my bathtub and in my car. I would like to stuff you with cotton and perhaps some nails and screws too. I want to drag you by your arm and legs in and out of the grocery store and mall. I'm ready to spew these babies all over your den floor like a zoo vomitted on your carpet.

(Well, I'm still working on it!)


8.  If you are a sports fan, practice your game face. Do push-ups and arm exercises every day. If you're not a sports fan (like me), then find a way to grow thicker skin. Why? Because on a weekly basis, you will have to drag your toddler kicking and screaming from a store, play date, car seat or other public arena. So you will need some strength in your arms and a mean, crazy look in your eye so that no other patron stands in your way when you're on mom duty.

9.  Beware of escalaters and elevators. Even though your toddler is fascinated with escalaters in Sears and J C Penney's, that does not mean that she will enjoy riding on one. And elevators.... well I just won't even go there! Just don't do it! Plan your shopping on the first floor only.


10.  You should pick up every toy in the house before going to bed. I mean, seriously scan the floors, corners and crevices for any signs of toddler paraphernalia. Why? Because at midnight when you wake up to check on your two year old who made a moaning noise/cry in her sleep, you'll suddenly think every plastic cookie or hot dog on the kitchen floor is a turd or poop dropping. Not fun! Then you have to turn the lights on to check and you're quite grumpy afterwards.  (Like I was two nights ago!)




There you have it. This is what I have learned so far since entering the "terrible twos." I hope it helps you or at least makes you laugh.


Even if you're not a mother, you can benefit from the above tips.  Being an aunt, an uncle, a cousin or a babysitter can be just as wild and entertaining as being a parent, at times. 

For more enjoyable top ten lists, visit this site, http://www.toptentopten.com/  which I recently discovered and find hysterical. Thank you Vince for leaving me a comment several weeks ago and inviting me to join your top ten movement.