Scooping Out The Flesh ~

Lately a lot of my inspiration for writing has come from cooking.  Strange, I know.  But today was no exception. 

A week ago, I picked up spaghetti squash from a local farmers market here in Pensacola, determined that I would do something with it.   I've been so creative lately when it has come to baking and cooking. I hope to  keep up this momentum. 

This lonely squash sat around for eight days until yesterday when I finally looked up a cassrole recipe to make with it.  I also had to research how to cut open a spaghetti squash since I had never worked with one before. Advice on the internet prompted me to cut it lengthwise; place it face down in a pan with a little bit of water. Then bake it at 350 for a half hour.

When the baking part was over, I had to remove the pulp and seeds of the vegetable.  It looked like this:



As I was scooping out the flesh of this foreign vegetable, I became reflective about my own insides....  What is the stuff that I'm made of?  What is it that makes Mandy who she is? 

(And yes, I really do think like this.  It's okay if you think I'm a weirdo).

As little girls, we had nursery rhymes like the following read to us: 

What are little girls made of?

What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice
And all that's nice,
That's what little girls are made of


Well, that isn't me.  I'm not always sugary sweet or spicey.  I'm much more complex than that.  I'm still evolving.  I'm a continual work in progress.  I've said this before.  

Here lately, I find myself shifting my focus.  I think more deeply than I ever have before.  (Having a child will do that to you).  I'm more sensitive to the world around me.  Words and actions affect me in a more intense way that I never cared about prior to October 2007. 

That's not a bad thing, just different.  I like to think that my core has gotten softer (and riper) as I'm growing up and maturing. 



I had a great conversation over the weekend with an old friend who has known me my whole life.  We are both parents with children around the same age.  We laughed talking about how much we've changed and how we now cry at the drop of a hat, especially when it comes to our kids.   She reminded me that these little extensions of ourselves can shake up our insides, causing us to feel irrational, ecstatic or almost psychotic.  Boy do I know that! 

At times, I have had to ask myself, "Do you have what it takes to be a mom?  Especially Vivian's mom!"  Or "Do you have what it takes to be a wife?"  I've asked myself the same thing about being a writer, a friend, an event coordinator, a cook and much more. 

When I ask myself these questions, I have to reach deep into my flesh to find the answers.  Sometimes my hand becomes caught in the pulp.  Sometimes a big, juicy mess comes out.  Then other times I find the very center of the core within me.  That core may be bruised but it still works.  That's when I know that I have what it takes and the strength to move forward. 

For the past few weeks, I pulled out some of my insides to examine it.  Metaphorically, not literally of course!  After putting my interior under the microscope, I've decided that I want to take a more serious path in my life.  I want to reach toward a greater purpose and make choices that will help both my family and me grow more mentally, physically and even spiritually.  I'm also trying to rid myself of a few trivial and superficial things that I used to obsess over in the past.   

Because when I look at my interior, I want to be proud of who I see and the "stuff" that I'm made of.  Though I think I'm on a decent track, I also know that I could do more.   I'm determined to listen to my gut more.  My instincts don't fail me often so I should treat them like a concerned parent or friend and heed their advice. 

There is no right or wrong when it comes to your flesh.  You know yourself best. 

For example, not everyone is meant to be a parent.  Some of you who read this blog have written me, telling me that you don't have what it takes to be a mother.  Frankly, I admire that.  You've obviously given it a lot of thought, examined your core within and come to the conclusion that it just isn't for you.  That is amazing, in my opinion. 

For the first year or even eighteen months of Vivian's life, I didn't know if my core could handle being a mother.  Especially her mother.  Since then, time and my little girl has shaken up my insides.  Now I know, without a doubt, that I have what it takes to be her mother.  She is my greatest challenge, so far.  My interior was built especially to guide her and love her.  And in turn, I get this amazing gift of learning more about myself and the love that I can offer her and others. 

You can apply my example to other areas or goals of your life.  Being a parent is so dear to me these days so it's the best thing I can talk about.  You may come up with something totally different.

Everyone has a gift, whether they realize it or not.  We should take the time to occasionally scoop out our flesh to think about the gifts we have, who we are and what we can achieve.  The results may surprise and delight you. 

I know that when I take the time to review my core, I'm never disappointed.   Even if I only grab a handful of juicy mess, I find a way to turn it into something tasty and useful.