A Conversation So Disgusting That I Can't Help But Share...

WARNING: PROCEED READING WITH CAUTION! 

THIS MAY BE THE MOST DISGUSTING POST I'VE EVER WRITTEN. 

THAT BEING SAID, I STILL THINK IT'S FUNNY AND WORTH SHARING.

I have had some medical tests and doctors appointments recently.  After noticing that I've had a bit too many stomach viruses and cases of diarrhea over the past year, my doctor suggested I be tested for what might be an ulcer, gallstones or something else. 

So off I went last Tuesday to have an abdominal ultrasound and on Saturday morning to have a blood test, just as a precautionary measure.  Oh, and I had to give a stool sample too which is the reason for this ridiculous post.  So that I can share with you the revolting (yet funny) conversation that occurred between the nurse and me.

Without further hestitation - I present to you:

"Pooping for Science Purposes, 101"

The scene: Mandy sitting in a chair wating to have blood drawn.  Mandy noticing a collage of photos on a bulletin board of mostly dogs and cats.

Mandy to nurse: "Are any of those your pets?"
Nurse: "Yes, three of those are my dogs and I have one cat too."  She points out her animals in the laid out collage.
Mandy: "They are adorable.  I have a dog and a cat myself.  Also a two year old which is pretty much the same thing." 

The Nurse smiles.  It's nice to have a smiling nurse before she sticks your arm to draw blood, by the way.

Nurse looks closely at the paperwork submitted by my doctor. 

Nurse: "I see we need to collect a stool sample from you.  Have you ever had to do that before?"
Mandy: "Sadly, no." I say smirking.
Nurse: "Okay let me grab a kit and explain it to you."

She brings out this kit of pure pleasure (pictured below)



She then demonstrates what I need to do with each of the four collection tubes.  Yes, FOUR!   And she reveals that two of them require me putting enough of a sample to fill up the line of the red substance inside the tube.  What's next?  Measuring it by weight? 

Anyway, our conversation occurred like this....

Mandy to Nurse: "So I have to scoop out a sample four different times?"
Nurse: "Yes but it doesn't have to be from the same specimen.  You could take these three tubes from one sample and the other one from a different sample."
Mandy: "But if I have enough from one to fill all four I can do that, right?" 

In other words, if my shit is big enough to fill all four collection tubes, then I don't have to poop twice!  Okay, I get that.

Nurse: (Laughing) "Yes, that's correct.  You can get it all in one sometimes." 
Mandy: (Laughing) "Well what time do you close today?  Maybe I can drive up the road to McDonalds, have a greasy breakfast and a cup of coffee and soon I'll be back here with my sample."
Nurse: "We close at 11:00 a.m."
Mandy looks at her watch.  The time says 9:52 a.m. 
Mandy: "Oh darn, I don't think I can get the job done that fast.  I'll try for Monday then since you're closed tomorrow." 
Nurse: "Well, just remember that you need to bring it in on the same day you collect it.  But you can refrigerate for a few hours if you need to."
Mandy smiling because she's imagining putting her poop specimen next to the milk, butter and orange juice in the fridge. 

Mandy: "Okay, good to know.  I can just drop it off back here, right?"
Nurse: "Yes, and you can make an appointment too."
Mandy: "Really, an appointment just to drop off your samples?"
Nurse: (laughing) "Yes."

Nurse: "Oh and be sure to label your samples too."
Mandy: "You mean the collection tube for the specimens right?  Because I really don't think I could (or want to) label my actual specimens."

We both laugh at this point.

This conversation occurred while she was taking my blood and we concluded right as she finished and placed a band-aid on my arm.

Nurse: "Okay, You're done."
Mandy: "Alright then.  Well have yourself a good weekend."
Nurse: "Thanks, you too."

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I'm happy to report that earlier this morning, I was able to provide that specimen just as the nurse indicated.  Thankfully, I was able to take just the ONE sample then scoop it out carefully into the FOUR different collection tubes. 

I wish I could say that the experience was funny or interesting.  But it wasn't.  It was absolutely horrifying. 

I change diapers, clean up cat litter and pick up dog poop every day but still.... nothing quite compared me for having to be so up close and personal with my own bowel movement.  I really was close to vomitting during the scooping out process.  I guess it's one thing to turn around and flush it away but something altogether different when you're measuring it out, up to a red line.

However, in the name of science, my doctor's orders and all of my remaining humility, I peformed the act.  I leave in an hour to drop off the poop at the lab like I was told to do.   Please, oh please don't let me get into a car accident on the way there.....  "Coming through people.... fresh poop in the car..... move out of my way!!!"

The results will take a few days to come in.  But I think I know what they're going to say....

"Your body is normal but your mind (and sense of humor) is completely and utterly SICK...."  And I will wholeheartedly concur with those results. 

So, are any of you hungry after reading this post?  I know I'm not.  Aren't you glad I share the fun details of my life with you?  :-)


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P.S. -- On a serious note, if you are having any medical problems that may be cause for concern, I hope you will seek attention from a doctor or trained medical professional.  Don't ignore the signs when your body is trying to tell you something.  Even if you have to do disgusting and humiliating things like I did, a peace of mind, your health and your happiness is priceless and not something to take lightly!