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I realize that my scars are hidden in places that will rarely be seen by anyone. After all, my bikini days are over unless it's the privacy of my own hidden backyard. Still, I wish I felt better about my scars and the marks they leave on my body. When I look at my pregnancy stretch marks on my hips, I wish I thought of them with pride instead of annoyance.
My own physical insecurities and silly vanities then led me to think about other types of scars -- the ones you can't see. Hidden scars that are beneath the surface of a person... Do you have marks from your past that you can't escape? Do you know someone who struggles with moving forward because of scars that existed from former days?
I know a young girl who is currently dealing with a lot of emotional scars -- physical and verbal abuse that went unnoticed for several years. She's the kind of person who bottles her feelings inside. Rather than disappoint anyone, she tries to please everyone around her. I worry about this girl -- her once lively, beautiful spirit seems broken now. I wonder if she'll be able to have a healthy, normal relationship as she ages. I question whether she'll ever understand that she did nothing wrong to deserve the treatment she underwent.
Sadly, I don't live near this young lady to help out or lend a direct hand in her daily routine. If I did, I'd be offering to spend time with her on a regular basis. I would hug this girl, make her laugh and help her feel special as often as possible. What more can I do since she lives in a completely different place than me? How can I let her know I care without seeming invasive?
I think of all the little girls and boys out there who are dealing with emotional and physical trama. How will they grow up? Do they perform these same awful acts that are performed on them? Or do they break the chain and become positive role models, even activists in their communities?
Now that I am a mother and responsible for the well being of an individual, I'm much more conscious of the things I say and do. I sometimes wonder if I'm projecting the right attitude, a positive image and a healthy lifestyle for my daughter.
This is not an easy thing to do at all times. Sometimes I find myself being more negative and saying "no" a lot; when I realize this, I try to be more complimentary, positive and say "yes" more often. When I find myself battling with Vivian to eat at mealtimes, I wonder if I could be pushing her into an eating disorder by forcing her to eat. I then back off and remember that she's not going to starve if she skips a meal or two.
I think back to some of the saddest times in my life. Middle school years were tough and probably when I felt the worst about myself. I think back to old boyfriends who made fun of me for various, ridiculous reasons -- my crooked teeth, a few extra pounds, the way I dressed, who I dated prior to them and other various items. I think of former friends who judged my actions or disagreed with my life choices. I forgive them but I never forget the hurtful words that were spoken.
Worst of all, I think of hurtful words that I've spoken to family members, friends, former acquaintances and others throughout my life. I wonder if I've caused a scar for someone else. An unintentional mark that changed a life, an attitude or a heart. I hate to think that I may have hurt someone so deeply.
I want Viva the diva to feel good about who she is. My hope is that her face will always light up just as it does now when she sees her reflection. I hope that she'll surround herself with uplifting friends in the future and have no scars in her life. But is that realistic? We all have marks from our past.
I have never dealt with really deep, personal tragedy or life-changing events like intense physical or verbal abuse or death/loss of life from unforseen circumstances. So I'm no therapist. However, I do try two things to keep myself in healthy check: (1) I surround myself, as best as possible, with people that I enjoy and that make me feel good, appreciated or valued in some way. (2) When I begin to feel down about something or about myself, I allow myself a day (or even two) to be a slug/ feel sorrowful. Then I push myself to move on. I take action so I'll feel happy/uplifted again. Most of the time it works for me. The main key is in the company you keep, in my opinion.
What kinds of emotional scars do you wrestle with in your lives? How do you help your friends and family member deal with their mental baggage?
8 comments:
That is exactly how I deal with things when I am feeling down. Surround myself with loving people, allow myself to have a pity party (like tonight) and move on. I sm still dealing with losing a child 8 years ago, an emotional scar that will never go away. I would like to say it gets easier but it doesn't, even when I have a healthy child I never stop thinking/wishing/regretting
Emotional scars are with us forever, unfortunately. We learn to live with them and deal with them. Someone once told me, "if you had a party and asked everyone to leave their problems in a bag at the door. then when you left, you picked up someone's bag of problems. you'd more than likely beg for you own bag of problems back because you know how to deal with them"...it's true. Being a listening ear is sometimes the best thing.
As for your incision scars...it could be worse...my friend's mom had the old surgery where they cut a 9" gash down her side...just food for thought and always trying to find the brighter side :)
I deal with physical scars that have left a huge impact on me. The scars appeared when I was 24, and pregnant with my first child. Then they continued to appear. Talk about feeling hideous, I have had many of those days where I can't seem to hide the outward scars enough to feel confident inward.
I will never wear a low cut shirt of any type or a bathing suit. The scars are on my neck, my breasts, my back and my chest and the side of my face.
Yet, I also have emotional scars that I carry from my first marriage. He made me feel fat and ugly....especially after he cheated and eventually married a girl that is 21 a year younger than my oldest daughter.
It's not about me though. I didn't mean to write a novel. I just wanted you to know that you will not inflict harm on Vivian in any way. What she sees is a mommy that is whole, beautiful and wise. Those are the things that she will learn and take as treasures.
I carried around so much baggage I was literally suffocating. In the form of horrible panic attack where I couldn't breathe and truly believed I was dying. It's odd to me sometimes though, with all that I've been through, the "horrible" things when people hear about my life aren't the things that lingered the longest. I'm a survivor of sexual abuse as a child and rape as a young adult. I eventually worked through both of those things and though they are not gone, I'm not all consumed by them. The things that had a more lasting effect on me were the nastiness of my father and the loss of my hero as my big brother and I drifted apart. I've battled horrible depression (including post partum) and debilitating anxiety to where I couldn't even leave my house at one point, or drive more than 5 miles at a rate higher than 35 MPH. I'm most proud of myself for overcoming all of that. A psychologist once told my mother to prepare to care for me forever because I would never function on my own. Well, here I am.
Sadly, in the job that I work in, I see more people continuing the cycles of abuse, poverty, crime, etc than I ever wanted to. I worry about how good I am for Lila sometimes. But I think everyone has those thoughts, not just people with severe emotional scarring.
Like you said, everyone has something. Everyone has a story. The same things that happened to me could have completely ruined someone. Things that I find devastating may not bother someone else. It's all relative to each of our own individual psyches.
You're an excellent person, Mandy and a wonderful mom. Vivian will grow into a beautiful person because of what you do.
Don't worry too much about the surgery scar and stretch marks. They will fade with time. And your bikini days are not over! I still wear one, occasionally and I'm way older than you, cher! We can look good, at any age, although it takes effort and willpower to stay in shape. As for the emotional scars, they are harder to overcome, but with good counseling, they can be.
Our floors were redone in etched concrete and it was all scuffed up, from years of having carpet, then hardwood, then flood water... We wanted to fill it in, but the guy doing the floors says people usually keep the scuffs and indentations because it adds character to the floor.
That's how I feel about scars, both internal and external. They add character to a person and make her unique. Flawless isn't interesting at all...and anyone with no emotional scars that I've known has usually been shallow and self-absorbed. I think you have to go through a few things in life to become a well-rounded person, but that's just my opinion on it!
Thank you for sharing your stories and insight with me! It helps me put things into perspective. Hugs to all of you, especially in taking those emotional scars and using them to positively build your character and influence those around you! Great words and advice from everyone on here! Thanks~!
I believe that surrounding yourself with positivity is key. I agree with your advice to take action and move on towards happiness. Luckily, I don't have any tragedies in my experience. I do have plenty of regrets that I let eat away at me sometimes. My husband has had a harder time in life. I try to remember to be his biggest cheerleader when he gets down.
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