Top Ten Things I've Learned (So Far) Since My Post-Surgery Experience

Here we go - the top ten things I have learned (so far) since the surgical removal of my gallbladder. 

I'm writing this half-medicated now.  So I hope it makes sense:

10.  Pain medication post-surgery makes me feel and speak like the character Jeff Spicoli from "Fast Times at Ridgemont High".  Can you say stoner?  Dumb-arse?  Cloud sixty-nine, but in a non-gratifying way?  

9.  I am a hideous beast post-surgery.  In fact, now would be the perfect opportunity for me to try out for a role in a Tim Burton film.  No costume or makeup would be needed.  For my particular case, I could play a pale, five-month pregnant looking zombie with a swollen belly.  Across my stomach, I'm wearing four bloody scars and a neon yellow urine-looking substance that seems to be permanently stamped across my chest and hips.  Oh yes, I'm that pretty ya'll!  :-)

8.   My child sure seems sweet and loving as she is curling up next to me in bed.  The diva is giving me hugs and kisses.  However, I've quickly learned that it is simply her plot to steal my covers, take all my crackers and sneak bites of my applesauce for herself.  Thank you considerate daughter of mine!

7.  Pain medication can often cause me to repeat myself.

6. Passing gas and going to the bathroom by myself are the two high points of my day.

5.  Pain medication can often cause me to repeat myself.

4. Taking a warm shower is my current replacement for eating a box of chocolates or having an orgasm.

3.  I am begining to think I could write children's songs, what with all the current ringing in my ears and the new uncontrollable clicking sounds I can't stop making with my tongue.  Soon after, I will be working on a new dance to go along with the lyrics-- moves that include mimicing shoulder throbbing pain, vomitting and sitting down on the toilet.  It will be all the rage!

2. Pain medication can often cause me to repeat myself. 

1. That vomit bucket the hospital gave me before I left will actually make a very nice measuring cup in the kitchen when this whole awful experience is said and done.