Awkward Moments (part one)

Having a child (or being around children) results in even more awkward situations than you've imagined in your life.  You find yourself having to explain things or be quick-witted on topics (or situations) that you didn't have to think about before. 

Here are a few recent examples that I've had the pleasure of experiencing: 

1.)  After a family breakfast at Denny's (classy, I know), we stopped at K-Mart to look for a few household items we needed.  Well, you know it happens to all of us at one time or another.... my stomach starts churning and bubbling.  I'm glancing around for the restroom praying for the best.... hoping that it's not the most disgusting place on earth.  I couldn't help it.  Those two cups of coffee, scrambled eggs with cheese, hashbrowns and pancakes were ready to exit.  So into the ladies' room I go, with Vivian at my hip of course.  At least now that I have her fold-up potty seat, I use that when I need to and can avoid touching the sides of the nasty public toilets.  I did my business and Vivian was right there, nearly sticking her nose up my bunghole.  Yes, toddlers like to be front and center for the show!  "Oooh, you pooped Mommy!"  she chants. "Yes I did honey," I say hoping no one walks in at this very moment, as the stalls were empty.  "Oh yay!" she claps and says.  Then she leans in trying to get an even closer look.  "It's gross!" she says.  "Thank you," I reply.  "It's stinky!" she says.  Again, "thank you."   I mean what else do I do or say here?  Defication is a part of life that just can't be avoided!  Especially in public restrooms.  Sheesh! 


2.) Kirk arrives home from work a week ago and enters the doorway.  I am in the kitchen putting away dishes.  Vivian was in the living room playing with her puzzles.  Kirk takes the opportunity to offer me a kiss and then embraces me like one of those Harlequin romance novel covers.  Then (as usual), his hands go straight down to my breasts.  He does his typical groping.  Vivian walks in on his affections toward me.  She asks, "Dad, what are you doing?"  Kirk kind of laughs and says, "I've giving mommy a hug."  Vivian looks at me and gently asks, "Mommy, are you stuck?" as she glances at his one hand on my butt and the other one on my boob.  I laugh back and say, "Yes, I kind of am stuck, sweetie."  Stuck between a husband's desires and a toddler's interrogation efforts.  Quite the sticky situation. 

3.) Lately I have been waking up early in the morning or even in the middle of the night to find Vivian just standing there, staring at Kirk and me in our beds.  She is quiet and just looking at us.  This kind of creeps me out, I have to be honest.  I immediately think of some spooked child with evil powers.  Like, "I see dead people...." or a new variation of "Children of the Corn" about to cause me harm!  It is a sad morning when I am startled from my much-needed beauty sleep then feel afraid of my own two year old daughter.


4.) During a recent menstrual cycle, Vivian caught me in the act of changing my maxi pad.  (Forgive me to any men if you happen to be reading this, but it's just what we gals have to deal with.  Plus, I don't like the term 'sanitary napkin' because let's face it - it's NOT a napkin and you DO NOT feel very sanitary!)  Anyway, Viv pointed to it and inquired, "What's that?"  I paused for a moment and just replied, "Mommy is wearing a diaper today."  Then she gave an odd look and became quiet.  I swear I think in her mind she was saying, "Geez, my mommy is a little old NOT to be potty trained yet!" 


I don't know why I decided to share the above personal stories with you.  I guess to humor myself and also so you could enjoy a good laugh at my own expense. 


I realize that this is only the beginning of the embarrasing, amusing experiences that will occur in the future.  In fact, it will probably just become worse.  What will happen when my child walks in on Kirk and me having sex?  How will I explain the female organs and growth spurts that go along with them?  Oh geez, I'm in such big trouble folks!  I don't have a very good poker face.


Do you have an awkward moment to share with me?  If you're brave enough, leave it in the comments so I know I'm not alone here.