Reasons Why My New Cell Phone Will NOT Make Me Smarter

Watch out, I'm going to rule the world someday!

Kirk and I purchased new cell phones over the weekend.  Our contract expired on our old plan; plus, my husband's phone had been freezing on him for months now.  I know Kirk had been looking forward to the new phone for quite some time.  He is in his element when he's surrounded by new electronics or any sort of geek technology. 

I told him to just pick out a phone for me.  Because that's how much I cared about it.  I'm serious - I told him that I would be perfectly fine with any type, even something ancient like the old Zack Morris phone from Saved by the Bell - you know, the one that looked like this:

However, the current provider's deal of the month did not allow us to purchase the same type of phones; therefore, Kirk wanted me to go with him to pick out what style I wanted.  So off we went to the local T-Mobile store.  And yet I was more excited about going to dinner afterwards then selecting my new phone.  (T.G.I. Friday's and it was tasty by the way)


Without even glancing too much at the offerings and many features, I chose the myTouch 3G Slide Android phone.  I liked it because it has that mini keyboard that opens up so you can type.  Not quite sure why but I still like that keyboard. All the touching and rolling around with your fingers is annoying in my opinion.  Maybe that is the writer in me too - pretending my phone is a typewriter, something retro and sexy.  Let's forget the fact that I cursed at the last one I used for all the constant mistakes I made and the White-out I required. 


My old cell phone was a simple one.  I could text on it but I didn't have the internet available on it.  Basic, that's what I'd call it. 


Well to say that I've upgraded now is an understatement of the century.  In fact I can do practically anything with my phone now.   It's quite scary, actually.  I can surf the web, check my email, look up my GPS location, operate my phone as a compass (to find out if I am walking in the direction of north, south, east or west).  In addition, my phone can serve as a flashlight, a calorie-counter and even a scanner for bar codes and product details!  Yes, I'm NOT kidding!  Never in my life did I dream of doing these kinds of applications from the palm of my hand using a cell phone!

Here is a short list of other capabilities that I can do with my fancy, schmancy new phone -- NOT that I need to do these things or find them even the slightest bit important.  In fact, I'm quite sure that they will lower my I.Q. each time I use them.  But here they are, Reasons why my cell phone will NOT make me smarter --

• Flip a coin - my phone has an application that you shake an image of a quarter and the end result will be heads or tails.  Really, are folks too lazy to do the real thing anymore!?
• Whoopee Cushion - who can resist those fart pranks from the younger days!  That will be great fun on a future elevator ride someday, I can assure you!
• Track my period and ovulation schedule - I don't even know what to say about this one!  Really?  Do I want the customer service staff of T-Mobile to know when I'm bloated or if  I skipped a menstrual cycle??

• Make the noise of an Air horn - I'm actually kind of excited over this one!  Whenever my daughter Vivian acts up in public, I'm activating this charming sound to stop her dead in her tracks.  Yes, I am a Cajun redneck and I'm not afraid to admit it.
• Magic 8 Ball - Ya know, in case I feel like asking my cell phone random yes or no questions about my life so I can receive responses like, "The outlook does not look good." Or better yet "Ask me again later."  
• Tip Calculator - So I can no longer make excuses that I'm not sure what to leave my waiter or waitress after the meal is done.  Also, so I can relieve my brain of any math skills whatsoever.
• Drink recipes - If I hear someone at a bar name a drink I am not sure about, I can look up the recipe and ingredients list to decide if it's something I'd like to try in the future.  Way to go cell phones for encouraging alcoholism ;-)
• Funny Jokes - In case I'm stuck in a traffic jam and just need a little pick-me-up, perhaps?  I don't think so, not with jokes like this one listed:
  
  An Actual Joke Listed in my new cell phone -
  
  Weird: Waking up with a boner next to a friend;
  Weider: The Friend has one too. 
  Weirdest: The friend is a girl. 
  
  Do you think that joke is funny?  No?  Okay, good.  Me neither!

• English Spanish Dictionary - Just in case I feel like pressing "2" next time I have to call my insurance carrier, bank or basically any other American company.  That way I can have a little diction fun with my phone?
• Sound clips from various stupid movies and television shows - the top ones I've seen listed so far include The Family Guy, Napoleon Dynamite and the former comedy series - The Dave Chappelle Show.  While I enjoy a good laugh and a comical movie, I think I'd rather watch it on a big screen, not my telephone.

There are other crazy things my phone can do.  But I think you get the point!


Although these features are amusing and entertaining, I wonder if they'll be good for society and for me in the long run?  Won't these 'helpful' applications just cause humans to become more lazy?  Will we rely on technology to do all the work for us going forward?

I go back and forth with this notion.  I'm married to a technology lover so I definitely see the validity of the new electronics. Yet I still fear too much machine involvement. 


What do you think?  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

Don't be afraid to say that you think cell phones could possibly suck out our brains and take over the world.... because frankly, I have been thinking that lately as well!