I Need A Fat Lady, A Fork, and Liza Minnelli Please!

I'm done!  I'm really done with my book!  After hours and weeks of being consumed by nothing else, my cookbook is complete.  I'm really proud of it.  I love it actually!  As I've said before, I never dreamed that I would write a cookbook, but that's what I did. 

Honestly though, it's so much more than a book with recipes in it.  It is funny and silly, outrageous and inspiring -- aspects that I believe make up my personality.   The book is personal and has stories in it, like how I turned a barf bin into a measuring cup.  And how my aunt and uncle ruined the turkey for Thanksgiving one year.  So you see, it's more than just a cookbook - it's a book about my life as I learned to cook and funny things that have happened along the way. 

My amazing, talented friend Carrie has offered to design the book cover for me.  She said, I want to do this for you, and in the midst of being sick and raising a three-month old and a three-year old.  Yeah, she's crazy but she's wonderful!  And I can't wait to see her finished product.  I really love what she's created so far. 

Now if only I could actually successfully upload it to the self-publisher site so that I can share it with you and make it available for people to buy!!  That's right, you guessed it.  I'm having technical difficulties.....

I'm trying to upload my book in its complete and final PDF format to the publishing site and I'm receiving error messages.  And I'm being told that I need to insert blank pages.  And maybe I have to renumber the pages (which could affect the index that I spent three days writing).  Also, my copyright page needs some adjustments.  And possibly I'm in a vicious cycle with my assigned ISBN (The International Standard Book Number) since so far it appears that every time I upload a new version of my book, it wants to assign me a new number.  Then it's wrong on my copyright page and on the bar code on my cover.  Insert big moan and sigh here!! 

I've written to technical support since I can't find a phone number or live person anywhere!  Hopefully I hear something back by Monday.  If not, then I may be shopping around for a new publisher. 

I suppose these are the disadvantages of doing it all yourself.  If I had a book agent doing all this work for me, I'd have a lot less headaches to deal with, I am guessing.  These are all things I should have done more homework on before I became completely obsessed with writing and finishing my book. 

But it is what it is.  I decided from the beginning that I would do this first one on my own.  That my book, although great, is probably not suited for mass population or New York Times' Best-Seller List.  I know that.  I'm okay with that.  I'd be happy if I just sold 100 copies to family and friends.  Honestly! 

I just wanted to create this thing - this book - and put it out there for people to see.  That's what I'm doing, what I will be doing....hopefully very, very soon! 

BUT I need this publishing site (or some other one, if this group doesn't work out) to print it, sell it and distribute it for me.  I don't have the tools to do that myself.  And I really don't want to be making crappy copies at a local print shop or selling them from my van down by the river along with the ghost of famous comedian Chris Farley.

So please, if you're reading this - send me your thoughts, prayers, best wishes and the strength to get through this last stage in the process!  This apparent hardest part in the writing journey -- the "upload to publish" step and the "waiting to have a real copy in my hands" step~! 

I'm in the ninth innning.  I'm about to slide into home.  I'm almost there!!!

Come'on universe --- please oh please, send me that fat lady I can sing with!  Stick a massive fork in my body, if that is what it takes!

And please send Liza Minnelli with her parade of gay men and her awesome showtunes to be my side until I that book copy arrives in my hands.  Please!  (Besides, I'd love to do a dance with her anyway, especially the "Single Ladies" number she showcased in the Sex and the City 2 film). 






That's all I ask for.  That's all I want for Christmas (only I want it by Thanksgiving please so I can sell them before Christmas, if you don't mind). 


Please!  Please!  Don't make me grovel!